a month early birthday - adjusting grief

I am 70 years old soon.  Celebrating now for 2 reasons:

My son is visiting and he can watch me blow out candles and eat birthday cake!!

Next month is my "get-away month". 

Will be traveling to Saskatoon, Brandon and then Banff, Alta

My birthday is also 2 days after my son Graham's birthday (who has passed on.)  It is always a 

bit complicated with that timing.  Grief always lingers though your healing is as good as it will be.

I can enjoy my candles and cake more this month,.

 I like to adjust the regular celebrations in life so I can enjoy and relish some gratefulness when these days come.  

I learned, from my loss, my grief, sadness, or anger ,whatever strikes me at certain times, is this:

I love more carefully.

You never get over it; 

You just get through it.

 

Mothers Day and Loss

Mother's Day is Sunday! 

 I feel the pressure, the expectations, 

and then I remember it is just a

day that celebrates a Mother.

well...

It hits a mark for so many of us and losing a child

is just a bull's eye for some pain, guilt, anger, why me? (emotions)

I like to think I can handle this day like others, I have accepted it as is,

it doesn't fix anything so...

 So I needed to do some history first:

• On May 10, 1908, three years after her mother's death, Anna Jarvis held a memorial ceremony to honor her mother and all mothers at Andrews Methodist Episcopal Church.

• In 1914, Woodrow Wilson signed a proclamation designating Mother's Day, held on the second Sunday in May, as a national holiday to honor mothers.

• Although Jarvis was successful in founding Mother's Day, she became resentful of the commercialization of the holiday.  She would later denounce the holiday's commercialization and spent the latter part of her life trying to remove it from the calendar.

• Mother's Day is the second most-popular holiday for gift-giving, following Christmas.

• Hallmark began creating and producing Mother's Day card in the early 1920s.

                                   

I am blessed to still have my mother here with me and I do celebrate her!

however.....

I decided to make myself a personal gift and pull out a couple of Mother's Day cards

and early photos of myself, with Graham and Tommy.  I lost Graham 15 years ago so it does me good to have these pictures and Mother's Day cards to look upon.

makes my heart smile!

(Graham meets Tommy for the first time)

 The Great Sandhills in Southwest Saskatchewan

This was a very fun day together!

I have no advice really for getting through Mother's Day.

 as it can make me feel 

inadequate still and just because I lost a child and the reminders of women and men who have not lost,

sure seems to stick!

Plan for it!

Acknowledge the feelings!

I do honour Mothers,  do not misunderstand me and this day.
 I make sure I do things that make me

honour myself and appreciation that I am still a Mom
 and I have my blessing, Tommy who

looks after me and loves me well!

Happy Mother's Day! 

You deserve this celebration.

I woke up thinking

I woke up thinking the work was done

I would not have to practice today

how naive to think healing was that easy

when there is no end point

no finish line to cross

healing is everyday work

- rupi kaur

the sun and her flowers

books + horses in my grief

15 years ago this January I am sharing

more memories of our beloved eldest son,

and a big brother to Tom, this is a small

memoriam blog post.

Graham B. Kirk

April 20, 1985 - Jan 15, 2004

These are old photos  below
and my special times with him and the horses

4 days of trail riding at Cypress Hills (west block)

RESOURCES RESOURCES RESOURCES!

Surprisingly, this is the first book we were gifted early in our grief

and it was excellent!

these books were my best friends and I would not
part with them as they are a memory of healing.

These are links to the healing professionals that assisted me in growing as I learn and

has made me empathic.  Here are some links that were the driving

force to my healing. 

Julia Cameron theartistsway.com

https://brenebrown.com

https://ct.liveyourtruth.com/courses/

https://www.facebook.com/HurtingMoms/?ref=br_rs

----------------------------------

I read these a few years later and they were somewhat helpful but I know

there are many many more books published about grief , but suicide grief, 

if written well are extremely helpful.  

We think about Graham longingly and what we have learned
since 2004 and how healing is a very individual process.
(just make sure you eventually heal as best as you can)

"My dearest Graham we have learned so much and wish we knew then what
we know now".  

motivational Donna

When you finish with

a treatment how do you know you are healed?

How do I know I healed from grief?

a great loss 14 years ago that tilted all

my perspectives...so how do I know I am healed?

using resources every now and then from professionals

is huge.  I used writing and energy therapy and a few sessions

of counselling over the years.  

I am healed because I can look back and remember that time

and what I was like and what hurt most and what helped the most

I am healed also from the neck tension and headaches (not migraines) because

I am using tools I learned from chiropractors, yoga, physiotherapists

and energy therapists.  

I am healed the best way I can be

because I am always learning new things

about me, my marriage, my family and

other relationships and that the biggest learning

was through animals.  For me it is the horse.

I make sure I do activities that I love

and hiking, horse riding and making art

are my go to peaceful events.

How about you?

I bought these colorful runners the other day to start off

fall and to make sure I wear good foot wear as much as possible.

These runners match all my outfits.

i am entering my story slam application for October's Story Slam at the library

I have decided on a story it will be titled

'What The Health?!

Story Slam Entry Form 2018.pdf

here are the rules...

• Five minutes to tell your story. After 5 minutes, there will be a penalty. After 7 minutes, you will be gonged.
• Story must be original and unpublished.
• You can read from a script, or just go up and tell a story. Competition starts at 6:30 pm. Names will be drawn to
• determine order of story telling. No props.
• Limit of 10 story tellers.
• Entries will be accepted on a first come first serve basis. 

 Story Slam competitions are also held in Edmonton and Toronto. (Yorkton is quite

trendy putting this on)

Last year I talked about 'Rocky - my first solo ride' it was an experience

as their were 7 judges and they are quite prestigious. Just to note in the middle of my

story last year all my cue cards fell to the floor and I just had to carry on!  It worked out

fine.  My score was 7.6/10.

This is one resource that has helped me with my neck pain and headaches

check him out

Restore Your Bad Neck Curve With a Simple Towel 

Motivationaldoc on youtube

Dr. Alan Mandell, D.C.


My hubby is very involved in harvesting for his brother right now and in
the next few weeks;
so I pray that the crop is awesome!

signing off....as
Motivational Donna

a post of grief

This is a sad post

i'm dealing with more pain from neck massages and I will stop going.  I cannot handle the after headache that is now lasting for days.  I am wondering if it has things to do with pain in my life or actually simple little events or statements that have hurt me so profoundly that it all went into my neck.  I have had a couple of car accidents and I lost my eldest son to suicide 14 and a half years ago.

Actually just 2 days ago my husband and I were at our son's gravesite which is in a small rural cemetery and it is not maintained or manicured like the city cemeteries.  We placed him in this little cemetery because it is close to where we lived at our acreage at that time; and he loved the country.  Henceforth, I watch as my husband pulls out the lawn mower from the back of the half ton and he starts cutting all the tall grass that has grown around the headstone.  He had to cut around and around and in front of the headstone several times.  Each time the mower showed more and more of the overgrown weed covered headstone I felt such peace and overwhelm and I cried silent tears and my husband kept mowing until the plot looked neat and freshly mowed once again.  How does one do this?  How do we do it?  LOVE and we just keep on loving our son, whose name is Graham.  It's the only way we have kept on and we are very accountable for what happened and believe in ourselves as parents too.  We sucked at parenting, or so we thought, but I am rethinking that.  We are just very unfortunate parents and it is hard luck.  I know so many who still struggle with ending their life.  Our son, Graham was just not putting up with his feelings anymore.  How can I explain what happened. I closed the cemetery gate and Brian loaded up the mower.  My husband said "any last words before we drive away?" I said matter of factly that "It's just too late I can't do anything about this situation.  There is nothing to say."

Here is an amazing animated video on "refuge in grief" if you want to understand grief.  I thought this was good. 

 Oh and my neck is much better and the headache is gone, by the way.

something you get through

this song is my truth

it really got me...

3 old boys

just some quick vids of today's outdoor horse

fun!

Rocky is the Dunn horse and Ben is the brown

paint.  They are both geldings and our first

solid experience and training in our equine ventures

Both horses are 22 years old now

and in good health.  

I used to ride Rocky all the time but

I needed a fresh start with a different horse and

am happy to have the buckskin mare Bruschetta, who I have now named Grace!

Rocky was Graham's horse and

when he passed on I learned about

horses, honesty and grief and most of all

I learned about myself in so many ways.

here they are 15 years ago at 4-H day at the

exhibition grounds in Swift Current
(Rocky and my son Graham)

I never know what's coming up in these posts

but this is Graham's month to remember

and these horses were A GOOD THING!

a precious object indeed

Have you started to realize or notice that nothing is

ever as it seems with people.?   I am sure you have.  This

post has nothing to do with that question. Or maybe it does.

Connecting at Christmas through the holidays

and all December's events means for me to

be authentically true and I cannot give to

everyone and I cannot pretend I don't miss 

my loved one (our son who left this earth

too many years ago). 

'''''' I saw him in a dream in September  

 and this dream was so real.  He looked 

like himself in this dream and of course I started to break

down and cried as he stood in front of me and he said "I hope you

don't cry often"  He looked so darned happy.  I was in a library

and I noticed he was working with a woman and a child sorting books.  The woman nodded

at him and he then came over to my area and walked up to me and past me and turned around.  That is when I started

to cry.  His comment made me think really really hard and it didn't take

long to get it.  Getting it means he has his place now and he is

working and learning about who he is and he had the confidence

(as was his way on earth) to simply state a fact or emotion.''''''

After that experience of a realistic dream; I find I am connecting now more than ever with people;

not in a way of close friends but just being around

them and accepting a peace with myself.  

Grief is a huge lesson.  It is.  It is.  Darn it, it is!

So I am with vigour and self-confidence doing a couple of things like:

riding as much as I can....for adventure and exercise.

I am swimming...for my health and flexibility and meeting

women who share the passion of the benefits of water exercise. I also

swim for my mental stability too.  I am stronger and whatever comes up

in my life now is easier to deal with when I treat myself like a precious object, yes a precious object

because I am delicate and need to nurture my inner soul, and

it will make me stronger.

throw back this thursday

It's a birthday week;

my boy Graham's was on April 20 (a regretful throwback Thursday in a couple of days).

Had a tough, kind of annoying evening last night

I figured out it was about loss.

After 13 years of working

with grief I have figured out

one simple thing.

That sharp stone of grief in my pocket

pinches me every now and then.

So I am embracing this long

lonely desolate feeling I had last night.

He was in grade Nine here at Waldeck School;

his t-shirt and watch were purchases from

our skii trip in Banff a few weeks previously.

Just saying that the  statement that so many

refer to about "God does not give you anything that

you cannot handle"......

It is a misrepresented statement

God  hands out small doses of pain

to us when he feels we can accept something

about our pain, another little nugget of memory

regret, guilt.

He hands it out in little chunks.

That is what that statement means.

Little pieces of grief are added throughout the

years.  At first it is overwhelming and exhaustive.

That higher being or God, whichever,  is your belief

has it under control.  

Yes God has given me what I can handle, one small pebble or big

chunk at different times.  I have learned to be aware of when

he is "pinching me".

I am so grateful for what I still have.  Gratitude is the key for me

and once I remember that the pain  changes and subsides!

My Easter message I guess.

{love}

Let's Talk - my turn

Hi

I was 23 when I went

to the doctor.

Life and my job at SaskTel

just got overwhelming.
I couldn't understand my
feelings I just walked out of
the office one day crying.  It was all
too much for my mind.  All I can
remember was  feeling OVERWHELMED!
It was my own mother who finally sent me to the doctor.

I went on medication for

6 months

It helped me.  It put me back on track.

When my eldest son took his life 13 years ago, this unexplainably

 pushed me to a
twisted perspective like a fork in the road
which way do I go?

 Victim Services was
at our house.  Brian and I were really scared!  We had not seen our son for a couple of

days and I knew I had lost him before

knowing it officially happened. A mother's instinct.

They had a counsellor contact me by phone.

She said to me "Donna do not go into that

dark hole.  You don't want that. You are of
no value to anyone close to you if you fall."

 I could feel myself

swirling and spinning down into that 

vortex.

I snapped out of it because her voice
resonated with me I guess.
My job, I told myself is to learn from it.  

I have learned alot about mental illness +

depression; as much as God allowed me to
handle it.  

I couldn't save my son

I could save myself and learn why this
happened.  I had 3 days to grieve before it was confirmed.
I just knew where my son was at and we were too late.

Surprisingly or not surprisingly whichever way you look at this
I never did take any medication.   I sure wish

my son would of had that opportunity

to have tried medication though.

We just didn't realize until too late.

Perfect parents we weren't and nobody

is !

Just ask for help.
  There are people

to assist you.  You will feel better if you

talk to a professional like a doctor or a trusting

friend.

Let's Talk!

old partner

horse riding is so glorious!

 my horse partners' have always

reminded me of my responsibility

to share my plan for

the ride at that moment.

Horses need a plan!

 no saddle horn on this English saddle so

my intention to the horse is

to enjoy and stretch and glide

and just ride, does not have to be fast

i do love a good trott always though!

i just really enjoyed my afternoon with my old friend

Rocky. We sure have helped each other with some grieving for our loved one, Graham, over the years, together.

I make a point of riding this horse so I can

get back to that intention and partnership and the

history behind our rides

"The wind of heaven is that which blows between a horse's ears"

joy with grief

  sharing my grief just a wee tiny bit here

may not make sense

but I discovered this from

an inspiring woman I follow

she is so sacred and dramatic

her name is Danielle Laporte

here I was, my son was gone...

"I'm aching over this loss, so can this aching gratitude in my core be real? Am I betraying my memories? Am I denying my pain?"

Not at all. You're expanding. says Danielle Laporte

whoa!  this is a definition of how I felt when I was grieving after my son Graham passed on.

It did not  fail that when I went  through the early beginnings of the most heart-breaking passages of my life — losing a son and all dreams dashed — the pain brought me to the floor of my being, and what was there to be found?

The simple joy of being alive. So cosmically basic it's mind-blowing: the joy to be here, connected, animated, breathing, blessed, resilient, to be broken, to be open, to have what was, what's left, what's coming. The joy just to be part of reality.

joy is an inner vibration that is always achingly in the background waiting
for you

an inspiring sculpture speaks to me about my grief

let me explain
the horse is powerful and strong (personal inner power)
the rider is fearless and will face the unknown as he
moves with his personal inner strength

grief is deep
grief is empowering

Chaotic prayer for Nice

Lord

O Heavenly Father

This devastation in Nice, on Bastille Celebrations Day, and

all over the world leaves me so detached.  I want to feel more for this horrible chaos.  What can I do to help? Give me your messages for kindness and to reach the unreachable humans with twisted sickness in their brains their perceptions on life, their life.  Only way I can stop it is to pray?  Sending money helps after the deaths, after the poverty.  This innocent country, so many countries are now reaching my heart, it is starting to glow with love for all of man and woman and child who have fear and hunger in their bodies.  

Give me the words Lord so I can write about my melting heart so I can reach out with impact.

I cannot understand

I am no longer detached

I pray 

In Jesus Name

Amen!

To feel grateful for small things when
World events are clipping at my thoughts of helplessness
Do we just keep being grateful?

My Truth Story

My True Story back in July 2010


I lost my eldest son Graham in 2004, tragically.

Six years later my grief from his death found myself sitting in a  small circle with a small group of individuals  that I was growing to appreciate and connect with.  This was my 3rd day with my special people of 5 and we were opening up ourselves in this safe environment once again.   Our facilitator would put forward  a question for each of us to share out loud. At this moment on this particular session saw us turn to each member of our group and share something that we valued about them.  We  only had 2 minutes.  I sat beside an aboriginal man who was a retired RCMP officer and it was his turn to say something about me.

He was a deep thinking man and sharing and communicating personal feelings was especially difficult for him. So when he started with this:  “Donna.” (pause)  “You are brave”. (another pause)   “You are open about your struggles but not in a way that you want anyone to feel sorry for you.  You are not looking for that.  You want to learn and seek and that is bravery. “

Those were  the kindest words anyone had ever said to me and he said it with such integrity and knowingness. I have great interest in the aboriginal culture and was so honoured that he thought that about me. He was always so authentic and full of integrity throughout this seminar.  I admired him and all things he had experienced over his career.

On the seminar break shortly after, he apparently was not done sharing with me,  as we stood around sipping our coffee, he surprised me once again by stating to me   “Donna when was the last time that you laughed.”?

 Hello?  Are we back to me again.  The sharing group session is over, right.?

He continued,  “I mean really laughed deep down from your gut laughter.”?  I replied that I could laugh and share easily.  He quickly clarified,  “what I mean is can you laugh deep down and purely chuckle and have a hearty gut-wrenching laugh?” I was stunned but  he also had my full attention.  First I was impressed that he still seemed to still have this to say to me after the “bravery” crown he put on my head from our small group sharing just mere minutes ago.  I had this person here who was so real and honest and willing to put his arms around another person (me) and recognizing I had to feel freedom of being true and enjoying it.  He must have noticed my bravery had some holding back behind it.

It took all of 5 minutes during that little coffee break to realize that it would be fabulous if I just felt the release of a good whole hearty laugh. It was okay to laugh and enjoy doing it.   I got it!  Oh yes I knew exactly what he was telling me.

 I am forever changed from that moment.  Be authentically joyful and show my truthful heart.

This scripture says it all:

I have hated those who regard useless idols; but I trust in the Lord.  I will be glad and rejoice in your mercy, For you have considered my trouble.

You have known my soul in adversities, and have not shut me up into the hand of the enemy.  You have set my feet in a wide place.

Psalms 31: 6-8