Mothers Day and Loss

Mother's Day is Sunday! 

 I feel the pressure, the expectations, 

and then I remember it is just a

day that celebrates a Mother.

well...

It hits a mark for so many of us and losing a child

is just a bull's eye for some pain, guilt, anger, why me? (emotions)

I like to think I can handle this day like others, I have accepted it as is,

it doesn't fix anything so...

 So I needed to do some history first:

• On May 10, 1908, three years after her mother's death, Anna Jarvis held a memorial ceremony to honor her mother and all mothers at Andrews Methodist Episcopal Church.

• In 1914, Woodrow Wilson signed a proclamation designating Mother's Day, held on the second Sunday in May, as a national holiday to honor mothers.

• Although Jarvis was successful in founding Mother's Day, she became resentful of the commercialization of the holiday.  She would later denounce the holiday's commercialization and spent the latter part of her life trying to remove it from the calendar.

• Mother's Day is the second most-popular holiday for gift-giving, following Christmas.

• Hallmark began creating and producing Mother's Day card in the early 1920s.

                                   

I am blessed to still have my mother here with me and I do celebrate her!

however.....

I decided to make myself a personal gift and pull out a couple of Mother's Day cards

and early photos of myself, with Graham and Tommy.  I lost Graham 15 years ago so it does me good to have these pictures and Mother's Day cards to look upon.

makes my heart smile!

(Graham meets Tommy for the first time)

 The Great Sandhills in Southwest Saskatchewan

This was a very fun day together!

I have no advice really for getting through Mother's Day.

 as it can make me feel 

inadequate still and just because I lost a child and the reminders of women and men who have not lost,

sure seems to stick!

Plan for it!

Acknowledge the feelings!

I do honour Mothers,  do not misunderstand me and this day.
 I make sure I do things that make me

honour myself and appreciation that I am still a Mom
 and I have my blessing, Tommy who

looks after me and loves me well!

Happy Mother's Day! 

You deserve this celebration.

I woke up thinking

I woke up thinking the work was done

I would not have to practice today

how naive to think healing was that easy

when there is no end point

no finish line to cross

healing is everyday work

- rupi kaur

the sun and her flowers

books + horses in my grief

15 years ago this January I am sharing

more memories of our beloved eldest son,

and a big brother to Tom, this is a small

memoriam blog post.

Graham B. Kirk

April 20, 1985 - Jan 15, 2004

These are old photos  below
and my special times with him and the horses

4 days of trail riding at Cypress Hills (west block)

RESOURCES RESOURCES RESOURCES!

Surprisingly, this is the first book we were gifted early in our grief

and it was excellent!

these books were my best friends and I would not
part with them as they are a memory of healing.

These are links to the healing professionals that assisted me in growing as I learn and

has made me empathic.  Here are some links that were the driving

force to my healing. 

Julia Cameron theartistsway.com

https://brenebrown.com

https://ct.liveyourtruth.com/courses/

https://www.facebook.com/HurtingMoms/?ref=br_rs

----------------------------------

I read these a few years later and they were somewhat helpful but I know

there are many many more books published about grief , but suicide grief, 

if written well are extremely helpful.  

We think about Graham longingly and what we have learned
since 2004 and how healing is a very individual process.
(just make sure you eventually heal as best as you can)

"My dearest Graham we have learned so much and wish we knew then what
we know now".  

this season - this life

I am healing in my everyday life

and it is showing up with the Christmas preparation.

A new artificial tree was purchased

(I have never had an artificial tree)

I don't feel guilty about it either.

I know it was my only Christmas tradition I felt

we had in this family, but it can be changed up!

It will be 15 years coming up in January

that we lost our son Graham.

I don't have anything else to blog about and

this seems a good time to post these 2 pictures of our son.

I am healing with the support of The Healing Centre that Carol Tuttle set up a short few months

ago and it is all online energy healing techniques and it is categorized

by Spiritual, Mental Health, Emotional, Sexual Abuse, Relationships,

Lack of Self-Confidence, etc.  

She does this so well (Carol Tuttle that is)

this is my 2nd healing session I am working through

and it is a 3 week therapy plan.

Affirmations, EFT tapping, Tibetan Bowl healing, Scramblers,

Psychological Reversals

It is woo-woo but it works!

We all deserve healing from something we think we have

let go but it keeps resurfacing.

I am using this healing centre through my life as a support

and practice to keep me grounded and at peace.

Carol Tuttle On-Line Healing Centre

Does it cost anything?

yes - $90 Canadian for one month of healing sessions usually

depending on the plan you choose it is 3 weeks!

that is my secret this season.

Remember: You are worthy of healing!  You may have to invest a bit but the rewards

are mental health gets sorted out and priorities cleared up; and sometimes it gives you a healthy and fit body because

you like yourself again!

Keep calm and ride on!

a post of grief

This is a sad post

i'm dealing with more pain from neck massages and I will stop going.  I cannot handle the after headache that is now lasting for days.  I am wondering if it has things to do with pain in my life or actually simple little events or statements that have hurt me so profoundly that it all went into my neck.  I have had a couple of car accidents and I lost my eldest son to suicide 14 and a half years ago.

Actually just 2 days ago my husband and I were at our son's gravesite which is in a small rural cemetery and it is not maintained or manicured like the city cemeteries.  We placed him in this little cemetery because it is close to where we lived at our acreage at that time; and he loved the country.  Henceforth, I watch as my husband pulls out the lawn mower from the back of the half ton and he starts cutting all the tall grass that has grown around the headstone.  He had to cut around and around and in front of the headstone several times.  Each time the mower showed more and more of the overgrown weed covered headstone I felt such peace and overwhelm and I cried silent tears and my husband kept mowing until the plot looked neat and freshly mowed once again.  How does one do this?  How do we do it?  LOVE and we just keep on loving our son, whose name is Graham.  It's the only way we have kept on and we are very accountable for what happened and believe in ourselves as parents too.  We sucked at parenting, or so we thought, but I am rethinking that.  We are just very unfortunate parents and it is hard luck.  I know so many who still struggle with ending their life.  Our son, Graham was just not putting up with his feelings anymore.  How can I explain what happened. I closed the cemetery gate and Brian loaded up the mower.  My husband said "any last words before we drive away?" I said matter of factly that "It's just too late I can't do anything about this situation.  There is nothing to say."

Here is an amazing animated video on "refuge in grief" if you want to understand grief.  I thought this was good. 

 Oh and my neck is much better and the headache is gone, by the way.

something you get through

this song is my truth

it really got me...

my word + January Let's Talk coming up

first off I am sharing my word for the year of 2018

and the word is:

DISCOVERY

JANUARY

I wish I knew some of this

info back in 2003

However, hindsight is 20/20

and if I did read this poster below  back then it would

scare me as a parent

knowing my son was showing these signs,

So here is what Graham expressed from my

perspective:

social isolation, feeling alone, feeling like

he ddn't belong, feeling worthless, feeling trapped,

no hope for the future (knew he wanted to work

with his hands and make things, tying rope halters,

cooking, exploring/hiking/camping/fishing

playing cards

He had his hearing impairment all his life
and fought that battle silently but always
had his hearing aids on and looked after
them....

read this below

⤓

 I couldn't connect with him, everything was okay he said;

It was getting harder to see a response of enthusiasm

from him.  He was a low key deep thinking soft and subtle

adolescent.  He had a couple of good friends

and worked hard at school and his job.. however his connection with friends

depleted...

These are the basics of what I remember

so this poster is very relevant and as a wife, husband

teenager, brother, sister, Aunt, Uncle Grandparents et al

or what ever you are......  Make a big deal of unconditional love. 

tell that person that no matter what they are feeling

that you love them unconditionally and that they are

doing and feeling something very normal and they are not alone

talk, hug, connect.....

DISCOVERY

makes a difference when you learn more

we all need a community to support us

"Everyone slips!  It is getting back up that counts!

{Atz Kilcher Senior from the (Alaska The Last Frontier}

3 old boys

just some quick vids of today's outdoor horse

fun!

Rocky is the Dunn horse and Ben is the brown

paint.  They are both geldings and our first

solid experience and training in our equine ventures

Both horses are 22 years old now

and in good health.  

I used to ride Rocky all the time but

I needed a fresh start with a different horse and

am happy to have the buckskin mare Bruschetta, who I have now named Grace!

Rocky was Graham's horse and

when he passed on I learned about

horses, honesty and grief and most of all

I learned about myself in so many ways.

here they are 15 years ago at 4-H day at the

exhibition grounds in Swift Current
(Rocky and my son Graham)

I never know what's coming up in these posts

but this is Graham's month to remember

and these horses were A GOOD THING!

a precious object indeed

Have you started to realize or notice that nothing is

ever as it seems with people.?   I am sure you have.  This

post has nothing to do with that question. Or maybe it does.

Connecting at Christmas through the holidays

and all December's events means for me to

be authentically true and I cannot give to

everyone and I cannot pretend I don't miss 

my loved one (our son who left this earth

too many years ago). 

'''''' I saw him in a dream in September  

 and this dream was so real.  He looked 

like himself in this dream and of course I started to break

down and cried as he stood in front of me and he said "I hope you

don't cry often"  He looked so darned happy.  I was in a library

and I noticed he was working with a woman and a child sorting books.  The woman nodded

at him and he then came over to my area and walked up to me and past me and turned around.  That is when I started

to cry.  His comment made me think really really hard and it didn't take

long to get it.  Getting it means he has his place now and he is

working and learning about who he is and he had the confidence

(as was his way on earth) to simply state a fact or emotion.''''''

After that experience of a realistic dream; I find I am connecting now more than ever with people;

not in a way of close friends but just being around

them and accepting a peace with myself.  

Grief is a huge lesson.  It is.  It is.  Darn it, it is!

So I am with vigour and self-confidence doing a couple of things like:

riding as much as I can....for adventure and exercise.

I am swimming...for my health and flexibility and meeting

women who share the passion of the benefits of water exercise. I also

swim for my mental stability too.  I am stronger and whatever comes up

in my life now is easier to deal with when I treat myself like a precious object, yes a precious object

because I am delicate and need to nurture my inner soul, and

it will make me stronger.

things come back

It was a few days ago when we were outside by the barn getting the horses

saddled and I was cold.  I went into the tack room and plugged in the

heater to warm up for a few moments and I noticed these boardname plaques lying on the floor.

I had forgotten about these.

Wow the one with Graham's name

written in rope was sweet. He made that at a 4-H night. 

 I made theboard signs for all the horses

many years ago and in the move

I am glad these travelled with us.

It was very heart warming to see these.  

Must do something creative with

them someday?

We don't have horse stalls for each

of our horses  in our new barn just one

big open stall and the other stall

we use to store our square hay bales.

This saddle here was my very first saddle that we paid $200-300$ back in the day

We use it for horse training on the colts now as it is small and light.

Lots of nervous green-rider days this brings back!

on another topic.....

I found out a year ago that I have only 61% lung capacity use

which means I have COPD and it has taken me until a few

days ago to understand what that means.

I can breath in and INhale with no problem.  It is the expirations/exhaling

that I have a problem with.  That is what COPD means.  I did smoke

30 years ago and was exposed to more chemical with cleaning products like most

of us did and we are now so aware of in this present time thank goodness.

I have a special inhaler I use 2 times a day and also I must practice my exhales.

I pretend to 'smell a rose and then blow out a candle', henceforth the

pursed lips.  I have trouble getting rid of the CO2 in my system as their is

an obstruction with my lungs; this exercise helps

alot.  

health is important and as I get older I don't like finding

out stuff like this.  My second lung testing showed a slight improvement from a

year ago.  

Signing off I want to add that:

It is Nov 11th Rememberance Day.  

Thank you to our Veterans and the soldiers who fought bravely 

and their families who sacrificed a loved one!

There are many of us that know what that is like.

throw back this thursday

It's a birthday week;

my boy Graham's was on April 20 (a regretful throwback Thursday in a couple of days).

Had a tough, kind of annoying evening last night

I figured out it was about loss.

After 13 years of working

with grief I have figured out

one simple thing.

That sharp stone of grief in my pocket

pinches me every now and then.

So I am embracing this long

lonely desolate feeling I had last night.

He was in grade Nine here at Waldeck School;

his t-shirt and watch were purchases from

our skii trip in Banff a few weeks previously.

Just saying that the  statement that so many

refer to about "God does not give you anything that

you cannot handle"......

It is a misrepresented statement

God  hands out small doses of pain

to us when he feels we can accept something

about our pain, another little nugget of memory

regret, guilt.

He hands it out in little chunks.

That is what that statement means.

Little pieces of grief are added throughout the

years.  At first it is overwhelming and exhaustive.

That higher being or God, whichever,  is your belief

has it under control.  

Yes God has given me what I can handle, one small pebble or big

chunk at different times.  I have learned to be aware of when

he is "pinching me".

I am so grateful for what I still have.  Gratitude is the key for me

and once I remember that the pain  changes and subsides!

My Easter message I guess.

{love}

Let's Talk - my turn

Hi

I was 23 when I went

to the doctor.

Life and my job at SaskTel

just got overwhelming.
I couldn't understand my
feelings I just walked out of
the office one day crying.  It was all
too much for my mind.  All I can
remember was  feeling OVERWHELMED!
It was my own mother who finally sent me to the doctor.

I went on medication for

6 months

It helped me.  It put me back on track.

When my eldest son took his life 13 years ago, this unexplainably

 pushed me to a
twisted perspective like a fork in the road
which way do I go?

 Victim Services was
at our house.  Brian and I were really scared!  We had not seen our son for a couple of

days and I knew I had lost him before

knowing it officially happened. A mother's instinct.

They had a counsellor contact me by phone.

She said to me "Donna do not go into that

dark hole.  You don't want that. You are of
no value to anyone close to you if you fall."

 I could feel myself

swirling and spinning down into that 

vortex.

I snapped out of it because her voice
resonated with me I guess.
My job, I told myself is to learn from it.  

I have learned alot about mental illness +

depression; as much as God allowed me to
handle it.  

I couldn't save my son

I could save myself and learn why this
happened.  I had 3 days to grieve before it was confirmed.
I just knew where my son was at and we were too late.

Surprisingly or not surprisingly whichever way you look at this
I never did take any medication.   I sure wish

my son would of had that opportunity

to have tried medication though.

We just didn't realize until too late.

Perfect parents we weren't and nobody

is !

Just ask for help.
  There are people

to assist you.  You will feel better if you

talk to a professional like a doctor or a trusting

friend.

Let's Talk!

old partner

horse riding is so glorious!

 my horse partners' have always

reminded me of my responsibility

to share my plan for

the ride at that moment.

Horses need a plan!

 no saddle horn on this English saddle so

my intention to the horse is

to enjoy and stretch and glide

and just ride, does not have to be fast

i do love a good trott always though!

i just really enjoyed my afternoon with my old friend

Rocky. We sure have helped each other with some grieving for our loved one, Graham, over the years, together.

I make a point of riding this horse so I can

get back to that intention and partnership and the

history behind our rides

"The wind of heaven is that which blows between a horse's ears"

joy with grief

  sharing my grief just a wee tiny bit here

may not make sense

but I discovered this from

an inspiring woman I follow

she is so sacred and dramatic

her name is Danielle Laporte

here I was, my son was gone...

"I'm aching over this loss, so can this aching gratitude in my core be real? Am I betraying my memories? Am I denying my pain?"

Not at all. You're expanding. says Danielle Laporte

whoa!  this is a definition of how I felt when I was grieving after my son Graham passed on.

It did not  fail that when I went  through the early beginnings of the most heart-breaking passages of my life — losing a son and all dreams dashed — the pain brought me to the floor of my being, and what was there to be found?

The simple joy of being alive. So cosmically basic it's mind-blowing: the joy to be here, connected, animated, breathing, blessed, resilient, to be broken, to be open, to have what was, what's left, what's coming. The joy just to be part of reality.

joy is an inner vibration that is always achingly in the background waiting
for you

an inspiring sculpture speaks to me about my grief

let me explain
the horse is powerful and strong (personal inner power)
the rider is fearless and will face the unknown as he
moves with his personal inner strength

grief is deep
grief is empowering

My Truth Story

My True Story back in July 2010


I lost my eldest son Graham in 2004, tragically.

Six years later my grief from his death found myself sitting in a  small circle with a small group of individuals  that I was growing to appreciate and connect with.  This was my 3rd day with my special people of 5 and we were opening up ourselves in this safe environment once again.   Our facilitator would put forward  a question for each of us to share out loud. At this moment on this particular session saw us turn to each member of our group and share something that we valued about them.  We  only had 2 minutes.  I sat beside an aboriginal man who was a retired RCMP officer and it was his turn to say something about me.

He was a deep thinking man and sharing and communicating personal feelings was especially difficult for him. So when he started with this:  “Donna.” (pause)  “You are brave”. (another pause)   “You are open about your struggles but not in a way that you want anyone to feel sorry for you.  You are not looking for that.  You want to learn and seek and that is bravery. “

Those were  the kindest words anyone had ever said to me and he said it with such integrity and knowingness. I have great interest in the aboriginal culture and was so honoured that he thought that about me. He was always so authentic and full of integrity throughout this seminar.  I admired him and all things he had experienced over his career.

On the seminar break shortly after, he apparently was not done sharing with me,  as we stood around sipping our coffee, he surprised me once again by stating to me   “Donna when was the last time that you laughed.”?

 Hello?  Are we back to me again.  The sharing group session is over, right.?

He continued,  “I mean really laughed deep down from your gut laughter.”?  I replied that I could laugh and share easily.  He quickly clarified,  “what I mean is can you laugh deep down and purely chuckle and have a hearty gut-wrenching laugh?” I was stunned but  he also had my full attention.  First I was impressed that he still seemed to still have this to say to me after the “bravery” crown he put on my head from our small group sharing just mere minutes ago.  I had this person here who was so real and honest and willing to put his arms around another person (me) and recognizing I had to feel freedom of being true and enjoying it.  He must have noticed my bravery had some holding back behind it.

It took all of 5 minutes during that little coffee break to realize that it would be fabulous if I just felt the release of a good whole hearty laugh. It was okay to laugh and enjoy doing it.   I got it!  Oh yes I knew exactly what he was telling me.

 I am forever changed from that moment.  Be authentically joyful and show my truthful heart.

This scripture says it all:

I have hated those who regard useless idols; but I trust in the Lord.  I will be glad and rejoice in your mercy, For you have considered my trouble.

You have known my soul in adversities, and have not shut me up into the hand of the enemy.  You have set my feet in a wide place.

Psalms 31: 6-8

heart beats

I for one, find Valentines Day to be.....

happy faces

softness and loyalty like no other

the amazement my boys had on their faces watching

the "Cats' musical in a live  theatre so many years ago and
still a great memory!

the little toddler feet inside these

our first cat Snowball

what's our tradition Mom?

My son Graham was 10 when he came home from school one afternoon and asked... "What is our family Christmas tradition mom?"  He was looking at me intently awaiting a brilliant response to something he knew we didn't really have.  Actually it was a word we didn't use at christmas time in our house.  So  I knew that at school they must of been telling stories about Christmas with family. I thought hard for a few minutes, which in itself said to me and my son that we didn't necessarily have a Christmas tradition. "How about that  we are always with family and travel at Christmas time so we can be together"?  That didn't seem to appease Graham very much.  He was still looking at me, hoping for a TRADITION story  to take back to school the next day.

I sat down with him and discussed openly that traditions aren't always as well noted in some families as others might.  You and your brother have a Ukrainian grandmother whose family came from the Ukraine and a English grandmother who was an English war bride and married a soldier from Saskatchewan. Brian is Irish/English and I am Ukrainian/English.  We celebrated none of those cultures.   I  ended meekly with the so-called tradition of... "well we always put up a real (live) tree and decorate it and we travel to visit our grandparents each year. " But, (says my eager son), what's our tradition?"

 

Christmas in Prince Albert 1989:  Graham and Tom were 3 and 5 when we entered  the Red River Forest to cut down our own tree. I had packed donuts and some hot chocolate for a treat after we got the tree picked and loaded in the truck.  The tree was picked and cut down but the boys were more interested in the donuts and hot chocolate and then the fighting started over the donuts so it was not a peaceful venture into the woods!  

{Red River Forest Prince Albert)

So now it is 2015 and that moment of truth is now hitting home because I have been reading about childhood memories and the joys that are portrayed in a well versed magazine article or pictures of togetherness around the world and even with my co-workers and neighbours who seem to have some kind of tradition.  Tradition means to me a culture that is practiced by ones own family on certain holidays every year.  { a way of thinking, behaving, or doing something that has been used by the people in a particular group, family, society, etc., for a long time. : the stories, beliefs ...}

So here it is! Our family tradition!   A real live tree is brought into our house, and placed in a tree stand as the needles share themselves generously about the house even before we have put a light or piece of garland on it.  Water, yes it needs water, so the sugar-water is poured into the tree stand and more needles fall into my hair.  The vacuum and broom is always at the ready for more needle "bunnies" to pick up.  I give up after a couple of days and just keep all the needles pushed under the tree skirt until after the 25th of December when, the reckoning happens, and the tree and its fir needles are thrown outside. 

I don't ever want to give up this Kirk family tradition!

Merry Christmas!

(in memory of Christmas past )

The Stone for a Birthday

The best way I can describe grieving over a child as the years go by is to say it’s similar to carrying a stone in your pocket.

When you walk, the stone brushes against your skin. You feel it. You always feel it. But depending on the way you stand or the way your body moves, the smooth edges might barely graze your body.

Sometimes you lean the wrong way or you turn too quickly and a sharp edge pokes you. Your eyes water and you rub your wound but you have to keep going because not everyone knows about your stone or if they do, they don’t realize it can still bring this much pain.

There are days you are simply happy now, smiling comes easy and you laugh without thinking. You slap your leg during that laughter and you feel your stone and aren’t sure whether you should be laughing still. The stone still hurts.

Once in a while you can’t take your hand off that stone. You run it over your fingers and roll it in your palm and are so preoccupied by it’s weight, you forget things like your car keys and home address. You try to leave it alone but you just can’t. You want to take a nap but it’s been so many years since you’ve called in “sad” you’re not sure anyone would understand anymore or if they ever did.

But most days you can take your hand in and out of your pocket, feel your stone and even smile at its unwavering presence. You’ve accepted this stone as your own, crossing your hands over it, saying “mine” as children do.

You rest more peacefully than you once did, you’ve learned to move forward the best you can. Some days you want to show the world what a beautiful memory you’re holding. But most days you twirl it through your fingers, smile and look to the sky. You squeeze your hands together and hope you are living in a way that honors the missing piece you carry, until your arms are full again.

by Jessica

the perfect description of grief and I thank you Jessica for sharing this.  See her blog at fourplusanangel.com

in honour of your birth my son Graham! (April 20, 1985)

I still wonder

hunting season is coming to a close

do not ever think that I have forgotten my son Graham

as I know that it looks as if I have moved on and I have

but I have learned to keep calm and carry on

a friend told me a few years back that when she lost her son

in a tragic end that her perception of the world she once viewed upon

had tilted and that is the way it is for me

miss and wonder how things would be with Graham

still here and being 29 years old.  What would he be doing

and what would his healing from the adolescent stage after high

school to today have been like?

I guess I always will have that mystery and that chapter to

write and rewrite and I can even have some great stories of

his ups and downs, small joys, funny adventures and keep remembering that

face that shines brightly, just as in this photo below.

{Ty, Morley, Brian and Graham

the hunters back in the day...}