a post of grief

This is a sad post

i'm dealing with more pain from neck massages and I will stop going.  I cannot handle the after headache that is now lasting for days.  I am wondering if it has things to do with pain in my life or actually simple little events or statements that have hurt me so profoundly that it all went into my neck.  I have had a couple of car accidents and I lost my eldest son to suicide 14 and a half years ago.

Actually just 2 days ago my husband and I were at our son's gravesite which is in a small rural cemetery and it is not maintained or manicured like the city cemeteries.  We placed him in this little cemetery because it is close to where we lived at our acreage at that time; and he loved the country.  Henceforth, I watch as my husband pulls out the lawn mower from the back of the half ton and he starts cutting all the tall grass that has grown around the headstone.  He had to cut around and around and in front of the headstone several times.  Each time the mower showed more and more of the overgrown weed covered headstone I felt such peace and overwhelm and I cried silent tears and my husband kept mowing until the plot looked neat and freshly mowed once again.  How does one do this?  How do we do it?  LOVE and we just keep on loving our son, whose name is Graham.  It's the only way we have kept on and we are very accountable for what happened and believe in ourselves as parents too.  We sucked at parenting, or so we thought, but I am rethinking that.  We are just very unfortunate parents and it is hard luck.  I know so many who still struggle with ending their life.  Our son, Graham was just not putting up with his feelings anymore.  How can I explain what happened. I closed the cemetery gate and Brian loaded up the mower.  My husband said "any last words before we drive away?" I said matter of factly that "It's just too late I can't do anything about this situation.  There is nothing to say."

Here is an amazing animated video on "refuge in grief" if you want to understand grief.  I thought this was good. 

 Oh and my neck is much better and the headache is gone, by the way.

my word + January Let's Talk coming up

first off I am sharing my word for the year of 2018

and the word is:

DISCOVERY

JANUARY

I wish I knew some of this

info back in 2003

However, hindsight is 20/20

and if I did read this poster below  back then it would

scare me as a parent

knowing my son was showing these signs,

So here is what Graham expressed from my

perspective:

social isolation, feeling alone, feeling like

he ddn't belong, feeling worthless, feeling trapped,

no hope for the future (knew he wanted to work

with his hands and make things, tying rope halters,

cooking, exploring/hiking/camping/fishing

playing cards

He had his hearing impairment all his life
and fought that battle silently but always
had his hearing aids on and looked after
them....

read this below

⤓

 I couldn't connect with him, everything was okay he said;

It was getting harder to see a response of enthusiasm

from him.  He was a low key deep thinking soft and subtle

adolescent.  He had a couple of good friends

and worked hard at school and his job.. however his connection with friends

depleted...

These are the basics of what I remember

so this poster is very relevant and as a wife, husband

teenager, brother, sister, Aunt, Uncle Grandparents et al

or what ever you are......  Make a big deal of unconditional love. 

tell that person that no matter what they are feeling

that you love them unconditionally and that they are

doing and feeling something very normal and they are not alone

talk, hug, connect.....

DISCOVERY

makes a difference when you learn more

we all need a community to support us

"Everyone slips!  It is getting back up that counts!

{Atz Kilcher Senior from the (Alaska The Last Frontier}

Let's Talk - my turn

Hi

I was 23 when I went

to the doctor.

Life and my job at SaskTel

just got overwhelming.
I couldn't understand my
feelings I just walked out of
the office one day crying.  It was all
too much for my mind.  All I can
remember was  feeling OVERWHELMED!
It was my own mother who finally sent me to the doctor.

I went on medication for

6 months

It helped me.  It put me back on track.

When my eldest son took his life 13 years ago, this unexplainably

 pushed me to a
twisted perspective like a fork in the road
which way do I go?

 Victim Services was
at our house.  Brian and I were really scared!  We had not seen our son for a couple of

days and I knew I had lost him before

knowing it officially happened. A mother's instinct.

They had a counsellor contact me by phone.

She said to me "Donna do not go into that

dark hole.  You don't want that. You are of
no value to anyone close to you if you fall."

 I could feel myself

swirling and spinning down into that 

vortex.

I snapped out of it because her voice
resonated with me I guess.
My job, I told myself is to learn from it.  

I have learned alot about mental illness +

depression; as much as God allowed me to
handle it.  

I couldn't save my son

I could save myself and learn why this
happened.  I had 3 days to grieve before it was confirmed.
I just knew where my son was at and we were too late.

Surprisingly or not surprisingly whichever way you look at this
I never did take any medication.   I sure wish

my son would of had that opportunity

to have tried medication though.

We just didn't realize until too late.

Perfect parents we weren't and nobody

is !

Just ask for help.
  There are people

to assist you.  You will feel better if you

talk to a professional like a doctor or a trusting

friend.

Let's Talk!

My Truth Story

My True Story back in July 2010


I lost my eldest son Graham in 2004, tragically.

Six years later my grief from his death found myself sitting in a  small circle with a small group of individuals  that I was growing to appreciate and connect with.  This was my 3rd day with my special people of 5 and we were opening up ourselves in this safe environment once again.   Our facilitator would put forward  a question for each of us to share out loud. At this moment on this particular session saw us turn to each member of our group and share something that we valued about them.  We  only had 2 minutes.  I sat beside an aboriginal man who was a retired RCMP officer and it was his turn to say something about me.

He was a deep thinking man and sharing and communicating personal feelings was especially difficult for him. So when he started with this:  “Donna.” (pause)  “You are brave”. (another pause)   “You are open about your struggles but not in a way that you want anyone to feel sorry for you.  You are not looking for that.  You want to learn and seek and that is bravery. “

Those were  the kindest words anyone had ever said to me and he said it with such integrity and knowingness. I have great interest in the aboriginal culture and was so honoured that he thought that about me. He was always so authentic and full of integrity throughout this seminar.  I admired him and all things he had experienced over his career.

On the seminar break shortly after, he apparently was not done sharing with me,  as we stood around sipping our coffee, he surprised me once again by stating to me   “Donna when was the last time that you laughed.”?

 Hello?  Are we back to me again.  The sharing group session is over, right.?

He continued,  “I mean really laughed deep down from your gut laughter.”?  I replied that I could laugh and share easily.  He quickly clarified,  “what I mean is can you laugh deep down and purely chuckle and have a hearty gut-wrenching laugh?” I was stunned but  he also had my full attention.  First I was impressed that he still seemed to still have this to say to me after the “bravery” crown he put on my head from our small group sharing just mere minutes ago.  I had this person here who was so real and honest and willing to put his arms around another person (me) and recognizing I had to feel freedom of being true and enjoying it.  He must have noticed my bravery had some holding back behind it.

It took all of 5 minutes during that little coffee break to realize that it would be fabulous if I just felt the release of a good whole hearty laugh. It was okay to laugh and enjoy doing it.   I got it!  Oh yes I knew exactly what he was telling me.

 I am forever changed from that moment.  Be authentically joyful and show my truthful heart.

This scripture says it all:

I have hated those who regard useless idols; but I trust in the Lord.  I will be glad and rejoice in your mercy, For you have considered my trouble.

You have known my soul in adversities, and have not shut me up into the hand of the enemy.  You have set my feet in a wide place.

Psalms 31: 6-8

please please

I came across this message tonight as I was browsing

and surfing mindlessly on the internet and

Elizabeth Gilbert (author of Eat Pray Love ) posted this on her page on FB

It's worth putting on my blog
its direct and no nonsense words, thats for sure!
Please Please Please look after yourselves and when the snakes get in
your head and life gets overwhelming and you can't do all and be all and
carry on as if things are OK...get the help you need

here is what Robin Williams' close friend who co-starred with him in the movie "Mrs. Doubtfire" was quoted saying  the day after
his friend's death

Harvey Fierstein said...
"Please, people do not fuck with depression.  It's merciless.  All it wants is to get
you in a room alone and kill you.  Take care of yourself".

I don't often see a quote or statement that gets to the knife of the
disease but this talked to me because I have been there when I was 23 years old and my mother
headed to the doctor with me so
take care of your home planet always!

whats the difference?

So much info to read about suicide now with Robin William's death.   I read what Robin says about depression before he left us and u read now what others who knew him say.   Well I have suicide history in my family and it came upon me 10 years ago.  Graham my eldest son committed suicide and he was 18 years old.    He was seriously depressed but didn't hang on as long as Robin Williams.  Yes he was sensitive and caring and he was loved without us knowing or recognizing his suicidal tendencies. Is it a brain chemical imbalance or does society create the decision eventually?  Medications and internal spirit are my theories on survival of so many I know who keep it going.  Internal personal power?   Are u born with the tendency?   When Graham died I spent the first year trying to understand suicide.  I eventually picked up a book on very recent research about this disease (suicidal and depression are extremely different) and the children they talked about were 4 years old and up who were always thinking of ending it and suicidal.  It was a very difficult read and I don't have the book anymore but it opened my eyes on the matter!

 I was depressed when I was 21 yrs old and took antidepressants for a few months and it worked well for me but my 2 uncles struggled with depression.   So my mom was very diligent at me seeing a doctor.  My one uncle committed suicide and my other uncle struggles heavily with depression still. My 2 cousins who are older than me have recently in the past year committed suicidal deaths.  What is the difference?   Personal inner power or fortitude!   I never had suicidal thoughts when I was depressed.

Graham and Robin are like a pea and a popcorn kernel in a pod. Both reacted from their inner resources and had used up the internal fortitude.  I wished so badly for Graham to fight more and be more open with his struggles but maybe we weren't paying a more thorough enough attention either or his internal power of light was not as strong.

Robin Williams has opened the forum for depression and made it easier for me to write this post.  The suicide of this comedian tells a brief story of his comedic ways and goofiness that helped him through the tumultous adolescent years and possibly before that.  

Tom, my Tom used his magic tricks and performing in front of people to support his depression.  Tom is investigating his mood/depression issues and talking on depression forums.  He admitted a couple of months ago that he was depressed and had been for a very long time.  Tom's internal power is strong and he had got himself through and is 27 years old now.  I can't speak for him as I probably have said enough here and that is for him to process the journey he is on now.

I feel so much freer now in talking about my son Graham here even on this blog.  So thank you Robin for helping me.

if you read this through, thanks for listening!