books + horses in my grief

15 years ago this January I am sharing

more memories of our beloved eldest son,

and a big brother to Tom, this is a small

memoriam blog post.

Graham B. Kirk

April 20, 1985 - Jan 15, 2004

These are old photos  below
and my special times with him and the horses

4 days of trail riding at Cypress Hills (west block)

RESOURCES RESOURCES RESOURCES!

Surprisingly, this is the first book we were gifted early in our grief

and it was excellent!

these books were my best friends and I would not
part with them as they are a memory of healing.

These are links to the healing professionals that assisted me in growing as I learn and

has made me empathic.  Here are some links that were the driving

force to my healing. 

Julia Cameron theartistsway.com

https://brenebrown.com

https://ct.liveyourtruth.com/courses/

https://www.facebook.com/HurtingMoms/?ref=br_rs

----------------------------------

I read these a few years later and they were somewhat helpful but I know

there are many many more books published about grief , but suicide grief, 

if written well are extremely helpful.  

We think about Graham longingly and what we have learned
since 2004 and how healing is a very individual process.
(just make sure you eventually heal as best as you can)

"My dearest Graham we have learned so much and wish we knew then what
we know now".  

this season - this life

I am healing in my everyday life

and it is showing up with the Christmas preparation.

A new artificial tree was purchased

(I have never had an artificial tree)

I don't feel guilty about it either.

I know it was my only Christmas tradition I felt

we had in this family, but it can be changed up!

It will be 15 years coming up in January

that we lost our son Graham.

I don't have anything else to blog about and

this seems a good time to post these 2 pictures of our son.

I am healing with the support of The Healing Centre that Carol Tuttle set up a short few months

ago and it is all online energy healing techniques and it is categorized

by Spiritual, Mental Health, Emotional, Sexual Abuse, Relationships,

Lack of Self-Confidence, etc.  

She does this so well (Carol Tuttle that is)

this is my 2nd healing session I am working through

and it is a 3 week therapy plan.

Affirmations, EFT tapping, Tibetan Bowl healing, Scramblers,

Psychological Reversals

It is woo-woo but it works!

We all deserve healing from something we think we have

let go but it keeps resurfacing.

I am using this healing centre through my life as a support

and practice to keep me grounded and at peace.

Carol Tuttle On-Line Healing Centre

Does it cost anything?

yes - $90 Canadian for one month of healing sessions usually

depending on the plan you choose it is 3 weeks!

that is my secret this season.

Remember: You are worthy of healing!  You may have to invest a bit but the rewards

are mental health gets sorted out and priorities cleared up; and sometimes it gives you a healthy and fit body because

you like yourself again!

Keep calm and ride on!

those moments

These are horse videos and horse experiences from several years ago

bareback on Rocky first time
back at SC acreage

GNP (grasslands national park trail ride)
Brian riding Leroy!

GNP

FORT WORTH, TEXAS 2015

our paint horse Ben came back to our new acreage after being

away for 8 months.  This is my favourite video of all time.

Rocky and Ziggy remember who he is that is for sure.

Schutler is a colt that is co-owned with Brian and his  friend and
it was our turn to train.  But....he developed a couple of sarcoids
that we had to get a vet check on treatment plan for it.

I will add more once I can get them transferred from all the different cell phone

cameras and my digital cameras that I used over the years. 

Herd Leader - look him in the eye

This is the last post on "Look Him In The Eye" 

check out Open Book, Work Horse, Flight Risk 

first instinct with this horse is that he is highly intelligent but not mean, a leader and not a follower,.. “He is totally aware of everything that is going on and doesn’t worry about it."

alot of riders like this “ideal horse,” but you have to work to earn the horse’s respect.

a Quote from the article in Western Horseman...“This gelding had no interest in what I wanted him to do until I established myself as the herd leader. Then, he worked with me but not for me. The shape of his eye—not round, but more shuttered—forebodes that he will challenge any type of forced leadership.”

There is not an overabundance of tissue above the eye, and the few wrinkles are due to age, not worry.
..............

Rocky

Say no more ..... here at Kirkvillle
Rocky is definitely the herd leader and always has been
also a very intelligent and smart horse.  He is very solid
as a horse to ride but definitely you have to let him know
who the boss is and once you establish those grounds
its a lovely horseride!

Mr. Z

our 4 year old colt

is laid back and not concerned too much

{click here for resource article}

Western Horseman - Look Him In The Eye

KIRKVILLE horse interactions

celebrating February 1, 2018

3 old boys

just some quick vids of today's outdoor horse

fun!

Rocky is the Dunn horse and Ben is the brown

paint.  They are both geldings and our first

solid experience and training in our equine ventures

Both horses are 22 years old now

and in good health.  

I used to ride Rocky all the time but

I needed a fresh start with a different horse and

am happy to have the buckskin mare Bruschetta, who I have now named Grace!

Rocky was Graham's horse and

when he passed on I learned about

horses, honesty and grief and most of all

I learned about myself in so many ways.

here they are 15 years ago at 4-H day at the

exhibition grounds in Swift Current
(Rocky and my son Graham)

I never know what's coming up in these posts

but this is Graham's month to remember

and these horses were A GOOD THING!

slow firestarter today

yes

I am joyful

I am so much fitter

than I was 3 months ago

it all looks good

from my pics below?

let's be real

and talk about when you are still

fit and joyful

but doggin' the odd day

and your mind says

"whoa"

that's me

today

don't wanna' day

stay home

read, meditate

pet a horse

share here

that my left neck and shoulder

is annoying me

though not really painful

just a bit bite-y

even when I 'dog- it' like today I find

I am doing a work -out at 3 pm this afternoon

because it's habit and my body and mind say

we are missing something - get it?

keep it going

keep it real, stay low and know it

sucks when the mood hits you like that

get your fire starter sessions going

old partner

horse riding is so glorious!

 my horse partners' have always

reminded me of my responsibility

to share my plan for

the ride at that moment.

Horses need a plan!

 no saddle horn on this English saddle so

my intention to the horse is

to enjoy and stretch and glide

and just ride, does not have to be fast

i do love a good trott always though!

i just really enjoyed my afternoon with my old friend

Rocky. We sure have helped each other with some grieving for our loved one, Graham, over the years, together.

I make a point of riding this horse so I can

get back to that intention and partnership and the

history behind our rides

"The wind of heaven is that which blows between a horse's ears"

fitter is better

 I started the 21 day fix with beachbody.com

end of May this year

I am busy doing my 30 minute workouts every day since

and I did not realize the fitness level I am at now

I rode Rocky this afternoon

it was hot and bugs weren't too bad

when I stepped into the stirrup to swing up

and over I couldn't believe how simple that

was.  No left sciatic to numb my foot and

more strength and speed in getting

on

BONUS

this is why I work out!

one of the reasons that is for sure!

this horse is a good ole boy but he is pretty soft, not in riding shape for a 20 year old

horse and I need to get him out more. 

so this afternoon was hotter than I thought

and Rocky was really sweating after 1/2 hour and I only

trotted him around the arena for 20 minutes

I had to get off him to longe him a little bit more

as the team work was not there between him and I, yet.

anyhow when I did that

he was lathered up around the breast collar

and his neck was wet

It was time to quit

maybe go again tonite?

I was overheated too once

I got into the tack room

to put away his bridle/reins

I needed a sit down on the deck!

(face flushed/feeling weak)

I am getting back in the game in the fall here when weather is cooler and

horse flies stop biting, then it's good horse riding!  In the meantime short rides
in our yard will be perfect this month.

passing the time

last day at Peter Campbell Horse Clinic, in Russell Manitoba
last weekend;

 it was so windy and rainy on this last day.

I am just letting little Tuko eat grass here while

Brian decides when to put the saddle on him without it getting

too wet. It looked

like it was going to clear up.  It did, it actually

stopped raining and the afternoon went on beautifully.

I was a fashion statement in the morning as I was watching
the horses and trainers in the rain. Glad it cleared up for Brian and Tuko's session.

i went for a walk tonite and decided to walk with my friend Rocky.

we walked up and down the lane and around the yard and the arena and around

the house.  I talked and Rocky listened.  No feedback (loved it)

{alot of selfies above.... I'm not vain?}

stuff +

the weave that I had no idea where it was going ended up like this

I used some left over orange and brown wide ribbon to weave through

as it gets tedious weaving all the way up to the top

I like it;

now to take it off this loom,

tricky part

I much prefer it if my weaves stay attached to a frame

or a border  (not like below)

"Artistry rarely compromises, it just looks for a new place to express itself." (Danielle Laporte)

I am bored with the loom weaving and attempting a wreath weave

if it turns out, I will post the result.

{fun}

here are my

flowers on the deck

 and deck steps

 changing feeding pastures is always exciting for these guys

Ben, he can't really lope or canter much, so he does fast short trotting steps {sigh}

so that is my stuff for today!

Rocky and I

 Here are couple of pictures I truly love of me and Rocky.  I was learning to ride a horse well and by 2008 I was learning to not be fearful of things and this horse taught me many things.

This is what Rocky taught me:
 I have to get to the point quickly, if i want to walk then rein me in correctly, if I want to trot then lightly bump with my heels and keep that pressure steady.  If I want to lope, let me go but keep the reins ready for when you want to stop, don't hesitate (it confuses me) and let's ride.

Kind of like life to.  

get to the point and say it well

to go faster you have to rein in and pace it so you don't run too hard

if you want to just go, then just do it and enjoy.

Sask Landing 2008

Mother's Day 2008

Rocky and I are doing well.  This horse is now 20 years old and when I started to ride him he was 8 years old.  I still hug him and talk to him and ride him.

a little festive thanks

highlights from my thanksgiving

a tatooed pumpkin 

my son built this fire pit for us this weekend 

I followed Martha Stewart's recipe for roasting turkey and it came out so

beautifully golden brown

2 of our nieces riding our horses and they are growing up sooooo fast...when did that happen?

I like lights anytime throughout the year so the dollar store had these LED jack-o-lanterns - so festive!

Hope it was a bit festive for all of you too!

time flies..

my hands are way way better and only because I went to the medical doctor and not the naturopath to get some serious action on my hands.  The Naturopath I believe was really way off and I may have killed a parasite (was their an actual parasite?) I dont know but with this move the stress is high and my hands flared up and I need them for packing and well everything.  So steroid creme and glaxal base lotion for my hands and 3 days of prednezone has really improved the situation.  I am booked in to see a skin specialist in Regina aka dermatologist!

okay the move, so many family emotions and nothing has been bigger than my husband leaving this acreage he has had to work through alot of emotions and I was not the most patient wife....

my son is anxious about Summer and we have gone back and forth as to what is the best to do for him (I even phoned the vet to discuss if Summer could handle this move being 13 years old and severe hip soreness)

the small but yet big gifts I have received during this stressful time with animal placement decisions and not being able to find a new acreage/property to move to right away and looking for RTM or modular home to be ready to move to a property if that is the way we go?   well our friends for one thing and Morley and Shirley and Wendy and Gerald have been big supporters of this move and helpful to me and hubby both, physically (packing) and mentally talking about it (also storing our acreage equipment) - yahoo for great friends!!!!

 Ben is staying on this acreage and he has a little girl who would like to ride him.  We have leased him out to the new owners and will check on him a year from now or sooner to see how things are going.

 Tom is not moving with us as he is staying in Swift Current for now, who knows he may change

jobs as he is young.

right now Summer will move with us and stay at our friends acreage

at Qu'Appelle - hope he can adjust (I am fearful of him not)

this is a good shot of me praying for my family and all the separations (spouse is still by my side though ha!)

Ziggy here with Mantracker - well .."you can take the boy out of the country but you can't take the country out of the boy"  

time does fly by and I am hanging onto my seat belt (but excited for the new adventure)