hello to slowing down

I am feeling lost in this space the last week

I am ridiculously working hard to slow down...

working hard to slow down?

why is that hard?

I must keep my body moving and eat healthy

always a walk, or gym session to participate 

activities and horse riding

the grocery store is a regular stomping ground

when eating fresh fruits and vegetables, especially

that darn green salad.

The garden will help with that

soon

but then I can't keep up to the lettuce and it goes awry

Living takes work

I have type 2 diabetes and it causes some problems

if not regularly tended to

I have lab work done every 3 months and a doctor

visit to check my stats!  

anticipating the passing blood work number 

This is not a poem

about living as a Gnome

so keeping this more interesting

is only participating

in the thinking brain

I would like more soft subtler intelligent

words to put here

I don't have that gift

 I write in my MPS (morning pages)

most mornings

A mystery or two to read

A new author to check out

searching for a great read always

It feels like I am in touch with the simpler pages

of my day

 fresh paint on our walls

only select few pictures are now hung back up

having space is important now

keep the clutter extinct

my left foot is painful

I went to the doctor

arthritis? stress fracture?

metatarsal inflammation?

I'm okay but it is difficult practicing keeping it

real

my life to stay authentic

watching nature

is a genuine feeling of

"real"

taking breaths out as if blowing candles out on

a cake

reminder

Brian's 65th birthday on Thursday!

I have foot up to rest it several times a day

taking Magnesium Glycinate at bedtime to

calm the system and support healthy muscle function

Now off to the hospital for blood work

Gym training session this afternoon

loving my body 

my spirit lives in

A room to breathe

not taking on other peoples negativity

A Robin

Fuel Station

Petunia!

 Irises are so fantastic when they bloom!

last month

June was chilly

so kept writing in the mornings

splattered color on my painting

the bottom right corner has to be improved

colours brighter

its the movement of the brush

and texture I find I like

concert

 a special grad

June is usually about family

and some art stuff

.....and horses

This horse is going back home' 4 year old mare

has some issues we are not going to be able to

deal with in 4 weeks

owner advised and explained our concern

(Brian and Brushetta moving Ally around the arena)

Wishing for warmer weather this month

as we all are I am sure!

Kirkville Poetry

February finally;

I am so glad.

Days are longer.

I am not so sad.

Exercising is

more effort

this time of year.

As

knowing once its done

I have won

and had fun, working out

and being out!

I look at holiday pics,

on you-know-where?

Feeling envious

that,

I am not going anywhere.

Then I remember, the

energy it takes, to

travel there and

back.

I say "let them pack",

I'll do

my walking,

my writing,

my reading, 

{lots of that}

as I sit back

Oh didn't you know?

I joined the local choir.

I sing once a week.

Every once in a while

there is a squeak!

That's me!

I visit my folks in

the Queen City,

My mother is

fighting old age.

My dad accepts it with
subtlety. 

Hubby mucks about with

his horses;

good exercise, he says.

 Setting up training,

to keep them in line,

when it's horseback riding season

time.

He hauls the water,

forks hay,

mucks horse shelter stalls,

buys bales,

moves snow with his tractor,

everything on this

Yorkton frontier 
is a factor!

It's easier to be a poet,

to tell of days going by.

Posting pictures

is easier than baking a pie (no like)

now I am getting silly

I can be a willy.

Be genuine be true!

in Canada we are!

I'm proud and happy to reside here 
thus far!

For now Kirkville!

what is working for me

toque up

glove up

it's the heart of winter!

 as far as the new year that has begun,  I know what worked

for me in 2016 and that was exercise

5 days a week, and an average of 8,000 activity steps

a day

I have no goals or new year resolutions

I am just going to keep on doing what worked for

me last year

What is still working for me these last few years is blogging

and writing in my morning pages (journalling and personal prayers); photo taking!

 my new year 2017 quote.....

anything or anyone that does not bring you alive is too small for you.” 

― David Whyte, House of Belonging

My God Jar

Worrying,

fretting,

anxious,

overwhelmed

got a problem with no

present resolution in sight?

I have gotten in the habit to

write a concern or problem in

prayer or even a question on a piece of

paper to God.  I fold it and place in my God jar

under the desk and then whenever the problem 

creeps its ugly head at me I just say 

"God's got it"

every 3 months or so

I empty the jar and review

the requests/prayers!

let's make sense

I am learning to

recognize drama.

I feel intuitive and

am trusting it

I like people.

I wish myself and others well.

I also appreciate myself and others

without feeling sorry for anyone.

So... if I

stand for something I won't  fall for anything.

joy with grief

  sharing my grief just a wee tiny bit here

may not make sense

but I discovered this from

an inspiring woman I follow

she is so sacred and dramatic

her name is Danielle Laporte

here I was, my son was gone...

"I'm aching over this loss, so can this aching gratitude in my core be real? Am I betraying my memories? Am I denying my pain?"

Not at all. You're expanding. says Danielle Laporte

whoa!  this is a definition of how I felt when I was grieving after my son Graham passed on.

It did not  fail that when I went  through the early beginnings of the most heart-breaking passages of my life — losing a son and all dreams dashed — the pain brought me to the floor of my being, and what was there to be found?

The simple joy of being alive. So cosmically basic it's mind-blowing: the joy to be here, connected, animated, breathing, blessed, resilient, to be broken, to be open, to have what was, what's left, what's coming. The joy just to be part of reality.

joy is an inner vibration that is always achingly in the background waiting
for you

an inspiring sculpture speaks to me about my grief

let me explain
the horse is powerful and strong (personal inner power)
the rider is fearless and will face the unknown as he
moves with his personal inner strength

grief is deep
grief is empowering

Chaotic prayer for Nice

Lord

O Heavenly Father

This devastation in Nice, on Bastille Celebrations Day, and

all over the world leaves me so detached.  I want to feel more for this horrible chaos.  What can I do to help? Give me your messages for kindness and to reach the unreachable humans with twisted sickness in their brains their perceptions on life, their life.  Only way I can stop it is to pray?  Sending money helps after the deaths, after the poverty.  This innocent country, so many countries are now reaching my heart, it is starting to glow with love for all of man and woman and child who have fear and hunger in their bodies.  

Give me the words Lord so I can write about my melting heart so I can reach out with impact.

I cannot understand

I am no longer detached

I pray 

In Jesus Name

Amen!

To feel grateful for small things when
World events are clipping at my thoughts of helplessness
Do we just keep being grateful?

fire session

some days I do not recognize my gifts of being and I do enough!

so here is my thing....

 drink coffee in a.m.
writing 3 pages in morning pages
read a daily scripture or write my own prayer
make Shakeo and drink it also include

w/2 glasses water
dress to sweat and hit play
2 more glasses of water
eat breakfast and plan meals
sit on deck as much as possible
make bed sometime in morning
post on my blog/FB
sometimes shop for groceries
better yet read when I can
which is quite a bit
write an article if inspired by moment(s)
talk to horses

I enjoy an hour or two of lazin' too

the fire starts inside
when a day goes by and I never stop to wonder
 am I bored? or I feel complete?
I write what I did that day
it starts in the morning just like I said
and the day builds from there 
but it has to start with writing, drinking,
sweating and planning!

 Did I mention I love purple?

I am a Taurus Woman

My Zodiac time is drawing near (April 21 - May 20)

A Taurus Woman (that's me)

I especially like the fact that it states Taurus women are actually introverted.  I never felt really comfortable with saying I am an extrovert.  Some interesting facts below.  These facts are very true to my nature and I was impressed how well it stated what a Taurus (Bull) woman is like.  I have struggled with my natural nature and doing my best to be more.

(summer time flower basket hanging in the Town of Val Marie)

Introversion
Many wouldn't guess that Taurus women are naturally introverts, since they don't hesitate to take on leadership roles and they have no problem with going after what they want. However, the Taurus female needs time alone to recharge after being with a large group or socializing at a big event. She loves planning her own schedule and choosing how she perceives the things around her, which she's more easily able to do on her own. Her internal life is very active, and you won't be privy to many of her thoughts unless she's close to you.

Artistic Flare
Nature and aesthetic beauty are very important to a Taurus woman. She enjoys being outside and looking for beautiful views or places that are particularly camera-friendly. Generally, she's happiest in an artistic space or when she can surround herself with objects that she finds pleasing to look at.

Genuineness
Putting up with artifice, facades, or false impressions isn't tolerable for a Taurus woman. She wants people to present themselves as they truly are, and she'll quickly grow weary of those who dance around issues or try to shape her perceptions of reality. You can expect a female Taurus to always be honest about who she is and what she wants, and she'll leave a first impression that proves to be representative of her true personality.

(my mom's petunia on her deck at Madge Lake)

Temper
It's rare for a Taurus woman to become so upset that she loses her temper, but when she does, it's not easily forgotten. Chances are, she's put up with a lot of stress before reaching a breaking point, so her outbursts are intense. She can be very stubborn about the points she makes and won't budge on her views unless she's given a very good reason to change them.

Tomboyish
Though Taurus women have no reservations about expressing their femininity and choosing feminine styles, they're often tomboys at heart who are happy to participate in activities that are mostly male-dominated.

Passive-Aggressive
In conflicts, Taurus women may not be up front about what they feel the real problem is. Instead of starting an argument, they might ignore the offenders or simply treat them with indifference.

(at Madge Lake in the fall 2015 - I remember this passive-aggressive time)

Intelligent
They're not always brainy or nerdy about their smarts, but Taurus women know a lot and are practical about applying their knowledge.

Good Mother
A Taurus woman is an extremely caring and successful mother. She won't stand for disobedience in her children, and that's part of the reason they often grow up to be polite and agreeable.

Good with Finances
Taurus women are smart with money and know how to distribute their funds and handle them successfully, making them well suited for career choices such as brokers and accountants.

Interesting stuff!

My Truth Story

My True Story back in July 2010


I lost my eldest son Graham in 2004, tragically.

Six years later my grief from his death found myself sitting in a  small circle with a small group of individuals  that I was growing to appreciate and connect with.  This was my 3rd day with my special people of 5 and we were opening up ourselves in this safe environment once again.   Our facilitator would put forward  a question for each of us to share out loud. At this moment on this particular session saw us turn to each member of our group and share something that we valued about them.  We  only had 2 minutes.  I sat beside an aboriginal man who was a retired RCMP officer and it was his turn to say something about me.

He was a deep thinking man and sharing and communicating personal feelings was especially difficult for him. So when he started with this:  “Donna.” (pause)  “You are brave”. (another pause)   “You are open about your struggles but not in a way that you want anyone to feel sorry for you.  You are not looking for that.  You want to learn and seek and that is bravery. “

Those were  the kindest words anyone had ever said to me and he said it with such integrity and knowingness. I have great interest in the aboriginal culture and was so honoured that he thought that about me. He was always so authentic and full of integrity throughout this seminar.  I admired him and all things he had experienced over his career.

On the seminar break shortly after, he apparently was not done sharing with me,  as we stood around sipping our coffee, he surprised me once again by stating to me   “Donna when was the last time that you laughed.”?

 Hello?  Are we back to me again.  The sharing group session is over, right.?

He continued,  “I mean really laughed deep down from your gut laughter.”?  I replied that I could laugh and share easily.  He quickly clarified,  “what I mean is can you laugh deep down and purely chuckle and have a hearty gut-wrenching laugh?” I was stunned but  he also had my full attention.  First I was impressed that he still seemed to still have this to say to me after the “bravery” crown he put on my head from our small group sharing just mere minutes ago.  I had this person here who was so real and honest and willing to put his arms around another person (me) and recognizing I had to feel freedom of being true and enjoying it.  He must have noticed my bravery had some holding back behind it.

It took all of 5 minutes during that little coffee break to realize that it would be fabulous if I just felt the release of a good whole hearty laugh. It was okay to laugh and enjoy doing it.   I got it!  Oh yes I knew exactly what he was telling me.

 I am forever changed from that moment.  Be authentically joyful and show my truthful heart.

This scripture says it all:

I have hated those who regard useless idols; but I trust in the Lord.  I will be glad and rejoice in your mercy, For you have considered my trouble.

You have known my soul in adversities, and have not shut me up into the hand of the enemy.  You have set my feet in a wide place.

Psalms 31: 6-8

The Stone for a Birthday

The best way I can describe grieving over a child as the years go by is to say it’s similar to carrying a stone in your pocket.

When you walk, the stone brushes against your skin. You feel it. You always feel it. But depending on the way you stand or the way your body moves, the smooth edges might barely graze your body.

Sometimes you lean the wrong way or you turn too quickly and a sharp edge pokes you. Your eyes water and you rub your wound but you have to keep going because not everyone knows about your stone or if they do, they don’t realize it can still bring this much pain.

There are days you are simply happy now, smiling comes easy and you laugh without thinking. You slap your leg during that laughter and you feel your stone and aren’t sure whether you should be laughing still. The stone still hurts.

Once in a while you can’t take your hand off that stone. You run it over your fingers and roll it in your palm and are so preoccupied by it’s weight, you forget things like your car keys and home address. You try to leave it alone but you just can’t. You want to take a nap but it’s been so many years since you’ve called in “sad” you’re not sure anyone would understand anymore or if they ever did.

But most days you can take your hand in and out of your pocket, feel your stone and even smile at its unwavering presence. You’ve accepted this stone as your own, crossing your hands over it, saying “mine” as children do.

You rest more peacefully than you once did, you’ve learned to move forward the best you can. Some days you want to show the world what a beautiful memory you’re holding. But most days you twirl it through your fingers, smile and look to the sky. You squeeze your hands together and hope you are living in a way that honors the missing piece you carry, until your arms are full again.

by Jessica

the perfect description of grief and I thank you Jessica for sharing this.  See her blog at fourplusanangel.com

in honour of your birth my son Graham! (April 20, 1985)

keep it going

I have been looking back at older posts on this website.  Some of the writings of my earlier posts

tend towards bluntness and sometimes directionless.  I am at an insecure phase right now

about writing and painting. 

What I will say today on this post is that

we all have "blocks" and we keep moving forward but

somehow what we say is not really what we are

thinking.  This may not make sense to you.  It is real for me

now and now that I have reached my goal for this move

to happen and I am here I am closed off as what more

to share with you the reader.  

I have to finish what I started.  I started writing a document that is

personal and it is stored in my closet in the art room.  I opened this closet and took down the accordian folder that I saved it in and started to edit; some of

what I documented on this project needs more mature grammar

and the paragraphs are not completely clear information.

Regina skies

I am now able to share this writing with an editor  and it is making my thoughts about

my immature writing more vulnerable for me.  I was told by a woman who has written several

books through Hay House and other publishing companies that her first publisher/editor reviewed her

writing and asked if she finished high school.  She is now still writing and very successful.

Keep editing and writing and stay calm!