A boot plan

At this “high expectations”  month of  December I am practicing cultivating connections with KINDNESS then LOVE then BOUNDARIES.

it’s hard to not be a people pleaser BECAUSE it is Christmas 🎄.   I can please people if I implement my personal boundaries.  

For example I boot out what does not fit or feel correct for me.

I plan and prepare what I want and grind in firmly with my boots.

It is now easier to be kind and please.  

biggest accomplishment

I know that my biggest accomplishment

is my 39 year marriage to this man I am dancing with

below here.

and 

I still have my dress and I have NOT accomplished fitting

into this said dress. (sigh)

So yes here we are above dancing around the floor at the

Langenburg Hall

it was a simple wedding and I had 2 bridesmaids

and 2 groomsmen

Next year when we hit our 40th wedding anniversary; oh and we will, if I don't 

leave him before then (just joking).  Marriage is HARD! yes or no?

The years have been hard and lots of grief along with lots of horse adventures to get us through.

We both maintained good solid careers. 

 We do not struggle much financially,

mind you

it depends which one of us you ask! (snicker)


Happy 39th to us!

Mothers Day and Loss

Mother's Day is Sunday! 

 I feel the pressure, the expectations, 

and then I remember it is just a

day that celebrates a Mother.

well...

It hits a mark for so many of us and losing a child

is just a bull's eye for some pain, guilt, anger, why me? (emotions)

I like to think I can handle this day like others, I have accepted it as is,

it doesn't fix anything so...

 So I needed to do some history first:

• On May 10, 1908, three years after her mother's death, Anna Jarvis held a memorial ceremony to honor her mother and all mothers at Andrews Methodist Episcopal Church.

• In 1914, Woodrow Wilson signed a proclamation designating Mother's Day, held on the second Sunday in May, as a national holiday to honor mothers.

• Although Jarvis was successful in founding Mother's Day, she became resentful of the commercialization of the holiday.  She would later denounce the holiday's commercialization and spent the latter part of her life trying to remove it from the calendar.

• Mother's Day is the second most-popular holiday for gift-giving, following Christmas.

• Hallmark began creating and producing Mother's Day card in the early 1920s.

                                   

I am blessed to still have my mother here with me and I do celebrate her!

however.....

I decided to make myself a personal gift and pull out a couple of Mother's Day cards

and early photos of myself, with Graham and Tommy.  I lost Graham 15 years ago so it does me good to have these pictures and Mother's Day cards to look upon.

makes my heart smile!

(Graham meets Tommy for the first time)

 The Great Sandhills in Southwest Saskatchewan

This was a very fun day together!

I have no advice really for getting through Mother's Day.

 as it can make me feel 

inadequate still and just because I lost a child and the reminders of women and men who have not lost,

sure seems to stick!

Plan for it!

Acknowledge the feelings!

I do honour Mothers,  do not misunderstand me and this day.
 I make sure I do things that make me

honour myself and appreciation that I am still a Mom
 and I have my blessing, Tommy who

looks after me and loves me well!

Happy Mother's Day! 

You deserve this celebration.

a little flowering going on

these are my potted plants

easy to grow

nice to look at

(orange harmony)

(geranium)

variety pot

My first rose bush planted 3 weeks ago and I see a bloom!

I was convinced to buy a couple of rose bushes 

I think I will like them!

My friend Gail was so gracious to donate some of

these plants here from her beautiful yard.

She also landscaped this area

and helped me plant it

(I was grateful)

I have not had bedding plants in my yard since

 Swift Current which is 4 years ago.

I was overwhelmed with this new property and

trying to figure out where to start bedding plants

around the house.  

So appreciate the greenery and a bit of flowering

showing now!

Mom and Son

a weekend visit just Mom and son

We went to a movie at the theatre and walked to an open gym at Elmwood Park

did some minimal workouts.  Quite an interesting concept I hope people use it?

 I like this creek and bridge.  It is my fav part of this city 

Tom's pets named Bella and Chico

have grown and very fortunate they don't have to

reside in a cage.  Tom built this open concept living arrangement

they do have a cage but at home this is their space

it looks fun and they keep to this area pretty well

we also went mini-golfing and shopped for some updates to

his living room which was fun because Tom spent the money and I put forth

decorating suggestions.  It turned out well considering he only had the sofa's in this 

living area for 2 years.

Much better!

We live 4 1/2 hours away from Tom so don't see him

as much but when we do it is good!

the dress and #36

36 years ago today,

on this first day of summer June 21st

I married my man, Brian

so I brought out my wedding dress

will not fit into it

nice to take a peek at it once in awhile

it was 4 days of no-plans celebrations with Tom's birthday, then Fathers Day, then Brian's
birthday on June 20 and our anniversary on June 21 so we just said no gifts just
a nice supper out!  We like simple.  I felt a bit guilty because I am always under
 silly pressure to get cards and do a cake and get a gift but this year
Tom got cash and card and Brian and I had supper out!

heart beats

I for one, find Valentines Day to be.....

happy faces

softness and loyalty like no other

the amazement my boys had on their faces watching

the "Cats' musical in a live  theatre so many years ago and
still a great memory!

the little toddler feet inside these

our first cat Snowball

my parents

Dad and Mom 86th birthday

September Yellow

i took this picture on Sunday Sept 13th.  How much longer will the yellow last?

I hope for another month.

Such a happy colour!

like no other handbag

woo hoo!   A NEW HANDBAG!

bought this when I took my mom to our step-by-step shoe store here in Yorkton

and what to my wondering eyes did i see - but a small shelf of 5 handbags all handpainted on this soft cow leather and of course this had a horse scene so it was a no-brainer.

about this bag if you care!

Anuschka^® "like no other" leather bags, wallets and accessories are made in India, designed by the Basu Family who have been designing and manufacturing leather accessories since 1984. The entire family is involved from design, to manufacture, to distribution and customer service. Every Anuschka bag is made from soft cow leather, individually handpainted (no spray painting), so no two are ever identical. The beautiful handbag shapes are full of functional features, while the paintings use colors and designs that are instantly appealing, all of which makes an accessory that will last past many seasons.

just sharing!

a good spirit lake

sitting on the dock of the....

this dock was built today

with old pallets and fence posts

my canoe will be stored their for winter

when I wanna paddle

I can slide the canoe  out and slip into the pond

The water is low right now

but just to stand and watch the bird activity

and hang the feet over the edge

I have a song and it works well to the tune of "Sitting On The Dock Of The Bay"

Just Sittin'

sitting on the dock of the pond

waving a magic wand

feeling not so blue

as nature's calling is true

worries and frustrations

turn into tiny illustrations

cause I am sitting on the dock

of the pond

busy June

Tommy's birthday June 16

Hubby's birthday June 20

my dad - father's day!

our 35th Anniversary June 21

The Stone for a Birthday

The best way I can describe grieving over a child as the years go by is to say it’s similar to carrying a stone in your pocket.

When you walk, the stone brushes against your skin. You feel it. You always feel it. But depending on the way you stand or the way your body moves, the smooth edges might barely graze your body.

Sometimes you lean the wrong way or you turn too quickly and a sharp edge pokes you. Your eyes water and you rub your wound but you have to keep going because not everyone knows about your stone or if they do, they don’t realize it can still bring this much pain.

There are days you are simply happy now, smiling comes easy and you laugh without thinking. You slap your leg during that laughter and you feel your stone and aren’t sure whether you should be laughing still. The stone still hurts.

Once in a while you can’t take your hand off that stone. You run it over your fingers and roll it in your palm and are so preoccupied by it’s weight, you forget things like your car keys and home address. You try to leave it alone but you just can’t. You want to take a nap but it’s been so many years since you’ve called in “sad” you’re not sure anyone would understand anymore or if they ever did.

But most days you can take your hand in and out of your pocket, feel your stone and even smile at its unwavering presence. You’ve accepted this stone as your own, crossing your hands over it, saying “mine” as children do.

You rest more peacefully than you once did, you’ve learned to move forward the best you can. Some days you want to show the world what a beautiful memory you’re holding. But most days you twirl it through your fingers, smile and look to the sky. You squeeze your hands together and hope you are living in a way that honors the missing piece you carry, until your arms are full again.

by Jessica

the perfect description of grief and I thank you Jessica for sharing this.  See her blog at fourplusanangel.com

in honour of your birth my son Graham! (April 20, 1985)