a post of grief

This is a sad post

i'm dealing with more pain from neck massages and I will stop going.  I cannot handle the after headache that is now lasting for days.  I am wondering if it has things to do with pain in my life or actually simple little events or statements that have hurt me so profoundly that it all went into my neck.  I have had a couple of car accidents and I lost my eldest son to suicide 14 and a half years ago.

Actually just 2 days ago my husband and I were at our son's gravesite which is in a small rural cemetery and it is not maintained or manicured like the city cemeteries.  We placed him in this little cemetery because it is close to where we lived at our acreage at that time; and he loved the country.  Henceforth, I watch as my husband pulls out the lawn mower from the back of the half ton and he starts cutting all the tall grass that has grown around the headstone.  He had to cut around and around and in front of the headstone several times.  Each time the mower showed more and more of the overgrown weed covered headstone I felt such peace and overwhelm and I cried silent tears and my husband kept mowing until the plot looked neat and freshly mowed once again.  How does one do this?  How do we do it?  LOVE and we just keep on loving our son, whose name is Graham.  It's the only way we have kept on and we are very accountable for what happened and believe in ourselves as parents too.  We sucked at parenting, or so we thought, but I am rethinking that.  We are just very unfortunate parents and it is hard luck.  I know so many who still struggle with ending their life.  Our son, Graham was just not putting up with his feelings anymore.  How can I explain what happened. I closed the cemetery gate and Brian loaded up the mower.  My husband said "any last words before we drive away?" I said matter of factly that "It's just too late I can't do anything about this situation.  There is nothing to say."

Here is an amazing animated video on "refuge in grief" if you want to understand grief.  I thought this was good. 

 Oh and my neck is much better and the headache is gone, by the way.

a precious object indeed

Have you started to realize or notice that nothing is

ever as it seems with people.?   I am sure you have.  This

post has nothing to do with that question. Or maybe it does.

Connecting at Christmas through the holidays

and all December's events means for me to

be authentically true and I cannot give to

everyone and I cannot pretend I don't miss 

my loved one (our son who left this earth

too many years ago). 

'''''' I saw him in a dream in September  

 and this dream was so real.  He looked 

like himself in this dream and of course I started to break

down and cried as he stood in front of me and he said "I hope you

don't cry often"  He looked so darned happy.  I was in a library

and I noticed he was working with a woman and a child sorting books.  The woman nodded

at him and he then came over to my area and walked up to me and past me and turned around.  That is when I started

to cry.  His comment made me think really really hard and it didn't take

long to get it.  Getting it means he has his place now and he is

working and learning about who he is and he had the confidence

(as was his way on earth) to simply state a fact or emotion.''''''

After that experience of a realistic dream; I find I am connecting now more than ever with people;

not in a way of close friends but just being around

them and accepting a peace with myself.  

Grief is a huge lesson.  It is.  It is.  Darn it, it is!

So I am with vigour and self-confidence doing a couple of things like:

riding as much as I can....for adventure and exercise.

I am swimming...for my health and flexibility and meeting

women who share the passion of the benefits of water exercise. I also

swim for my mental stability too.  I am stronger and whatever comes up

in my life now is easier to deal with when I treat myself like a precious object, yes a precious object

because I am delicate and need to nurture my inner soul, and

it will make me stronger.

Let's Talk - my turn

Hi

I was 23 when I went

to the doctor.

Life and my job at SaskTel

just got overwhelming.
I couldn't understand my
feelings I just walked out of
the office one day crying.  It was all
too much for my mind.  All I can
remember was  feeling OVERWHELMED!
It was my own mother who finally sent me to the doctor.

I went on medication for

6 months

It helped me.  It put me back on track.

When my eldest son took his life 13 years ago, this unexplainably

 pushed me to a
twisted perspective like a fork in the road
which way do I go?

 Victim Services was
at our house.  Brian and I were really scared!  We had not seen our son for a couple of

days and I knew I had lost him before

knowing it officially happened. A mother's instinct.

They had a counsellor contact me by phone.

She said to me "Donna do not go into that

dark hole.  You don't want that. You are of
no value to anyone close to you if you fall."

 I could feel myself

swirling and spinning down into that 

vortex.

I snapped out of it because her voice
resonated with me I guess.
My job, I told myself is to learn from it.  

I have learned alot about mental illness +

depression; as much as God allowed me to
handle it.  

I couldn't save my son

I could save myself and learn why this
happened.  I had 3 days to grieve before it was confirmed.
I just knew where my son was at and we were too late.

Surprisingly or not surprisingly whichever way you look at this
I never did take any medication.   I sure wish

my son would of had that opportunity

to have tried medication though.

We just didn't realize until too late.

Perfect parents we weren't and nobody

is !

Just ask for help.
  There are people

to assist you.  You will feel better if you

talk to a professional like a doctor or a trusting

friend.

Let's Talk!

My God Jar

Worrying,

fretting,

anxious,

overwhelmed

got a problem with no

present resolution in sight?

I have gotten in the habit to

write a concern or problem in

prayer or even a question on a piece of

paper to God.  I fold it and place in my God jar

under the desk and then whenever the problem 

creeps its ugly head at me I just say 

"God's got it"

every 3 months or so

I empty the jar and review

the requests/prayers!

inflaming

I feel like this red leaf

in the middle of its calm colorless

surroundings it is like a flare

that's my tendonitis

and I have had a war

with it

there are certain physical ailments that are painful

and Tendonitis is definitely one of them

mine is in the shoulder/pecs on the right side
pain I could not tolerate

ended up in emergency

3 days after my cortisone shot

and anti-inflammatory meds

they gave me strong pain killers

and stronger anti inflammatory meds

injected my arm with an anti inflammatory

and I went home

and at least slept all night

but I grew worse with nausea and vomiting

to the point I threw out those pain killers

Reiki treatment weekly

 slapping on my essential oil

Marjoram and Peppermint 

a 20 minute relaxing stretch with my foam roller

Advil extra strength for muscle

and joint pain at bedtime only

and a few regular ibuprofen during the day
and ICE it 4 or 5 times a day!

I can't handle those chemical pain killers and anti-inflammatories
however I am trying an over-the-counter Voltaren Extra Strength gel twice a day as an added
 anti-inflammatory ointment boost

let's see what next week brings?

once again the neck

lookout window helps when

feeling sorry for myself

'cause I jammed up my neck

using a resistance band (can you believe it)

hurting bad and hoping the accupuncture needles 

saves me,

at home I am putting on

 peppermint oil

and hubby came home with Aleve 

and Lakota roll on pain relief ointment

this is helping quite a bit

also 

I am doing my physio emergency exercise

foam roller

breathing exercises to relax my neck

meditation (body scan)

Dr. Ho

hope I sleep well tonight!

Rooting In

Since my September is like a new year (as for many I am sure) and summer ends and issues get resolved or issues get started I needed something to strengthen prayer; to keep me more centered and in more control.  So.....

 I am re-studying the Chakra System.   There are 7 main chakra points in the body.  My root chakra was weak and so was my heart chakra.  I am a student of Healing Touch Energy Therapy and I have lost my way with this so I am getting on board again.

Here is my 7 chakras and what they mean to me (my interpretations) in relation to what they provide when the energy is open on each chakra......here is my wording when I want to ensure I am open.


Root Chakra
(this is at the base of the spine)
it means that I feel I belong, I am safe and I am
enough  I am financially secure.  I am strongly connected
to my family and I love all my material possessions!

Sacral Chakra
(this is your reproductive area above the
pubic bone)
I am a sensuous woman and I enjoy my intimacy with
people who honour me.  I am creative and my creativity
is worthwhile.

Personal Power Chakra
(this chakra is under the breast bone in the abdominal section)
I have confidence and make decisions easily.
I communicate and am heard.

Heart Chakra
(this is where your heart is which is below the throat and above the breast or breast bone area)
I am full of gratitude and love.
I wish myself and others well, without feeling sorry for anyone.
I am lovingly accepting myself for who I am.

Throat Chakra
(this is at the throat area)
I speak the truth.  I enjoy my self-expression
I listen and I am heard.

Third Eye Chakra
(this is between the eyebrows)
I trust my intuition.  I am a discerning person.

Crown Chakra
(this is the top of your head or crown area)
I am connected to source
I believe and am connected to a higher being. (for me I am
connected to God as my higher being)

There it is!  These are all the 7 chakras and how I am when these energy centres are opened.  When they shut down or, I should say,  if one or two are shutdown, it is extremely helpful to know which ones and to understand this energy system called Chakras.  I am happy to get back to this energy body system and keep my root and heart chakra stronger.  Carol Tuttle is my favorite woman on the internet who lives and dresses and provides life skills in her programs LivingYourTruth/DressingYourTruth. 

How you may ask if you are still reading this? do you open these energy chakras?  Here is a video to explain how you can do it.  It's easy....

stressors out

we have been handling an issue with the purchase of

our home and acreage for the past year

and it has finally been resolved but not without a

poor relationship developed with the vendor

and extra funds $$$ poured out by us we had not planned for.

Once the shock that this money needed to be paid

and several conversations to understand why is now over.

 Over and resolved but still has me wondering what happens to the

emotions and anxiety of working it out with strangers I am still holding

  in my body.   We didn't win but we got our legal rebate $$.

It's like looking through the fence and seeing the other side

then when you are on the other side it just smells

like a dirty hole we were forced to climb through and rulings that was missed by our realtor

and our lawyer.

It is just money, but that line is getting old with me.

"Sunshine in and darkness out"

2nd chance

here is the 2 year old Little Brown/Tuko/2nd Chance

he has had 3 names because when he arrived at our acreage i called him

Little Brown

his name is actually Tuko

now I call him '2nd Chance' because.....he is not learning or responsive

and seems dull and this is concerning to see that in a young horse.  Mantracker had taken

him to a professional training clinic in June for 4 days.  The consensus there was the same, the horse does not want to move or react, like he has an attitude of  which is a bit scary?

So Mantracker has had to dig deeper with a new plan

in his training for this one.

There is always a horse or two that will not learn like some of the others

and the trainer must adapt to a new method.

today his head is up and ears forward and he gets to run around the arena with

all the saddle gear on him by himself and he has to learn to accept the bit with the reins most importantly.   He seems fine with

the saddle.

go 2nd Chance!  you can learn this stuff!

anyways always interesting because Mantracker says it would be boring

if he didn't have a challenge "I would not learn and I would become dull too!"

awesome!

Chaotic prayer for Nice

Lord

O Heavenly Father

This devastation in Nice, on Bastille Celebrations Day, and

all over the world leaves me so detached.  I want to feel more for this horrible chaos.  What can I do to help? Give me your messages for kindness and to reach the unreachable humans with twisted sickness in their brains their perceptions on life, their life.  Only way I can stop it is to pray?  Sending money helps after the deaths, after the poverty.  This innocent country, so many countries are now reaching my heart, it is starting to glow with love for all of man and woman and child who have fear and hunger in their bodies.  

Give me the words Lord so I can write about my melting heart so I can reach out with impact.

I cannot understand

I am no longer detached

I pray 

In Jesus Name

Amen!

To feel grateful for small things when
World events are clipping at my thoughts of helplessness
Do we just keep being grateful?

My Truth Story

My True Story back in July 2010


I lost my eldest son Graham in 2004, tragically.

Six years later my grief from his death found myself sitting in a  small circle with a small group of individuals  that I was growing to appreciate and connect with.  This was my 3rd day with my special people of 5 and we were opening up ourselves in this safe environment once again.   Our facilitator would put forward  a question for each of us to share out loud. At this moment on this particular session saw us turn to each member of our group and share something that we valued about them.  We  only had 2 minutes.  I sat beside an aboriginal man who was a retired RCMP officer and it was his turn to say something about me.

He was a deep thinking man and sharing and communicating personal feelings was especially difficult for him. So when he started with this:  “Donna.” (pause)  “You are brave”. (another pause)   “You are open about your struggles but not in a way that you want anyone to feel sorry for you.  You are not looking for that.  You want to learn and seek and that is bravery. “

Those were  the kindest words anyone had ever said to me and he said it with such integrity and knowingness. I have great interest in the aboriginal culture and was so honoured that he thought that about me. He was always so authentic and full of integrity throughout this seminar.  I admired him and all things he had experienced over his career.

On the seminar break shortly after, he apparently was not done sharing with me,  as we stood around sipping our coffee, he surprised me once again by stating to me   “Donna when was the last time that you laughed.”?

 Hello?  Are we back to me again.  The sharing group session is over, right.?

He continued,  “I mean really laughed deep down from your gut laughter.”?  I replied that I could laugh and share easily.  He quickly clarified,  “what I mean is can you laugh deep down and purely chuckle and have a hearty gut-wrenching laugh?” I was stunned but  he also had my full attention.  First I was impressed that he still seemed to still have this to say to me after the “bravery” crown he put on my head from our small group sharing just mere minutes ago.  I had this person here who was so real and honest and willing to put his arms around another person (me) and recognizing I had to feel freedom of being true and enjoying it.  He must have noticed my bravery had some holding back behind it.

It took all of 5 minutes during that little coffee break to realize that it would be fabulous if I just felt the release of a good whole hearty laugh. It was okay to laugh and enjoy doing it.   I got it!  Oh yes I knew exactly what he was telling me.

 I am forever changed from that moment.  Be authentically joyful and show my truthful heart.

This scripture says it all:

I have hated those who regard useless idols; but I trust in the Lord.  I will be glad and rejoice in your mercy, For you have considered my trouble.

You have known my soul in adversities, and have not shut me up into the hand of the enemy.  You have set my feet in a wide place.

Psalms 31: 6-8

maintaining

I have type 2 diabetes

I have to check my blood sugar every day

My target number is 6 - 6.5 mmol/l

Type 2 diabetics can be healthy if they maintain their resting blood sugar number between 4.7 - 7 mmol - This MMOl/L reading is: the unit used in medicine to measure the concentration of substances in the blood. 

It is difficult to travel and spend several days holidaying.  Eating out and grabbing food from airport kiosks, not eating 3 regular meals and snacking in between does not work.  You can google all about the foods and snacks that are good for diabetics, however, that metabolism to keep the pancreas and liver functioning better requires the added aerobic exercise.  They recommend walking, jogging, swimming, biking but I find that fast 10 minutes on that treadmill keeps my metabolism going.

After Christmas I started to work on bringing my blood sugar down (and my tummy too) but then my holiday to Hawaii brought me back to end of January with a poor feeling in my tummy and a high resting blood sugar number.  

I have been home now for 6 weeks and have concentrated on bringing my target back to 6.5.

I feel good now as my resting blood sugar in the morning is under 7.  Yeah me!

I have 2 things that are keeping my blood sugar under control:

10 - 12 minutes on the treadmill daily at 3.2 - 3.4 kms  - The required is 30 minutes a day on the treadmill 5 days a week.  I get very sick and sore of that treadmill under that strict guideline so if I do 10 minutes every day, less pressure, fast and quick too.

My protein shake in the morning is the start of my day and consists of:......

blueberries, ISO Femme for women protein powder, a bit of flax and some chi chia seeds

I sometimes add avocado or kiwi fruit to my shake as well.  This really satisfies me and controls my eating for the morning and maintains the daily protein level I need.

I enjoy Yoga once a week
and riding horses,
swimming at the lakes too.
Important Note:  the danger in exercising is it can drop that
blood sugar too quickly and then i feel faint.  Snacks such as cheese,
crackers, fruit, hard boiled egg is a must to have on hand when that occurs.
  It seems I am always eating!

I plan on blogging again in 6 months time to see if I am still following this program

and maintaining my healthy numbers.

thanks for watching!

horse rescue

My hubby called me from outside saying..."Come hurry  I need your help".  I knew it was a horse situation.  I hurriedly put on my boots, jackets and good work gloves and raced to the hay feeding corral.  I instantly saw our tall 20 year old horse Ben lying on his side and his feet and legs were under the base of the feeder.  Hubby said he caught his foot in the bars between the hay.  He had moved Ben's foot out from the feeder bars before I got to him.   Now the horse just lay there very still.  All 4 of his legs were under the feeder still resting on the ground.  I looked at Ben and could see his one eye looking up at me.  I reassured Ben that we are going to help him and to stay calm.  He was already calm and it seemed Ben knew he just had to lie quietly until we figured it out.  Hubby said quickly to me to  "take this rope and wrap it around Ben's back legs and then use hook to secure it and then tighten the rope like a secure lasso". We have to get Ben up as fast as we can.

Sometimes a horse will just lie there and die. "

 I could hardly follow those instructions, as I was shaking.  "Time is of the essence" says hubby and I could not figure out the rope hook as it would not stay attached to the other side in order to secure this around Ben's legs.  "Twist it! Twist it!  and keep twisting the metal ring at the base of the latch. Time is of the essence here"!.

 I worked hard to calm down and focus.   At last I did see what I needed to do to lock it in place and the loop was secured around his legs.

"Now I am going to get Ben's front legs up but we have to do this together".  I ground my feet firmly and pulled the rope and the legs came up but I only had the 600 lb half of this horse and I was panting and getting weak from the pulling.  Hubby's right arm is in a sling and is unusable so he was relying on me to play a major role in shifting Ben out from under this metal feeder.   Finally hubby said "let's wrap this rope around my waist and you go and get his front legs out from under the feeder. We do this together and I will pull his back legs and you keep his front legs out from under the feeder."!

 I was nervous that he would kick me if I touched his hooves and lifted them but hubby said that "Ben is not going to kick he just needs to know he is free from it."

I got his 2 front legs up above his head and once Ben saw his feet up in the air he rolled and got up on all fours and kicked the rope tied onto his back feet and gave himself  a big earthquaking shake of the body and walked away.  No limp just a little stiff and after an hour or two he was perfect.  What an adrenalin rush!.  I felt like I had lost 20 pounds and felt very weak.  I recovered though as did Ben and my hubby.  (as a note:  I unfortunately did not actually lose 20 pounds baha!)

Horses like to roll and we are sure that Ben decided to get on the ground and roll onto his back as they get itchy and when he brought his legs back down his foot hit the feeder and got caught.  We have had that happen with another horse rolling to close to the fence and getting his feet caught.  It happens.

Relieved to have a successful rescue!

in my spider room

I am here this morning writing my morning pages!

I collect spiders

for my Christmas tree.

read the beautiful story (below) behind the production of these

fun critters for art decor.

{spiders from Meadow Treasures}

The Christmas Spider Legend    A long time ago in Germany, a mother was busily cleaning for Christmas. The spiders fled to the attic to escape the broom. When the house became quiet the spiders slowly crept downstairs for a peek.Oh what a beautiful tree!In their excitement they scurried up the trunk and out along each branch. They were filled with happiness as they climbed amongst the glittering beauty.But alas! By the time they were through climbing, the tree was completely shrouded in their dusty grey spider webs.When Santa Claus came with the gifts for the children and saw the tree covered with spider webs, he smiled as he saw how happy the spiders were, but knew how heartbroken the mother would be if she saw the tree covered with the dusty webs.So he turned the webs to silver and gold. The tree sparkled and shimmered and was even more beautiful than before. That's why we have tinsel on our tree and every tree should have a Christmas spider in it's branches !*author unknown*

_______________________________________________________

after I am done writing this morning
I will pick up my project and finish it!

my third practice weave sample

I found the dowels at Michaels in Regina.
(what would I do without this huge crafty store)

this is for real and I want it as a wall hanging in the TV room

I have more weaving to go yet.

it is raining here and no sunshine for 4 days
I am down with an allergic rhinitis and waiting for my medicated
nose spray to start working; the symptoms are just
like having a bad sinus cold.  It is now day 4 and I was told it can take 4 to 6 days for medication to kick in.
missed last 3 days of my retirement job at Chicken Cow.  I will need to make up the time.
that's okay.  I enjoy my paycheques.

hope your halloween is not rainy and windy like it is here.

the real world

we spent 2 days with our son

this weekend

he is a 28 year old man

with a disability of a hearing impairment,

who is living with responsibilities

as a landlord for his renters,

maintaining his mobile home,

working full-time

and driving and maintaining his vehicle,

and throwing in some fun whenever he can

Dad and Tom are replacing the boardwalk today

in his yard and doing it in the rainy cold weekend

to boot!  (I hunkered down inside, I got so chilled standing
out there.) 

Tom has been a volunteer for the annual Windscape Kite Festival in Swift Current since he started coming home from college in the

spring, so at least 5 years, He has helped with kite flying and crafts booth.

He had the perfect volunteer duty this summer as

the splatter paint wall coordinator

they featured his picture at the end of the day in the kite festival brochures and advertising

booklet.  

Tom had a car accident over a week ago and his car was undriveable when all was done, neither drivers were hurt in any way so he is

working through the SGI claims and repair process to get his vehicle back and to hopefully

get his driving safety record sorted out.

I recognize young adults, such as my son, who work hard to receive an

income and live to their full potential but who also deal with road blocks that are always a surprise and

stressful.  I want to give a big "hurrah" out to my son and others his age who are figuring things out and making some mistakes but

still stepping forward each day.

Rock on Tom!

this is not a post about.....

this is not a post about dropping friends out of my life.  

It is all about getting the message intuitively that this is what needs to be done.  I recognize that some friends a long while back accepted me as their friend right away and I just fell into that relationship without recognizing the value that was not there for me.  I am living a newer life with a very different perspective.  Their lives were not pretty in the end and I got wrapped up and was working hard to understand why they just did not do anything about their mess.  It is none of my business and they are special people to other people and I will not judge them.  I will let them fall away.  I don't want to be a spider!

btw webs have been a real nuisance this summer on our windows and deck and chairs and I am always bumping into a new one

I have sprayed peppermint essential oil all over my deck and pressured washed the

front entrance twice.  Nature wins most of the time.

9/11 Budweiser Commercial - AIRED ONLY ONCE

not up to me

when people come in to my life and make me

feel like I am supposed to help or save them

I get anxious and negative because I don't want

to fix their problem

I have had this happen twice in the past

and one of these people has popped backed recently and is in a serious relationship

problem right now, I feel bad.  However it is not up to me to fix it

This person has a behaviour issue repeating itself

but it is still not up to me to look after it.

This person is in their early 30's.

I put myself into an unhealthy unbalanced state when this happens.

I am learning to say no and to explain my stand on their problem.

I am very grateful for strong true friendships that I can go to

when I find myself getting wrapped up in this.

I must stand for something, or fall for anything.!

you won't understand

the unconscious mind

is also the subconscious mind

it sounds better to call it

subconscious

Since I was 21 years old

I have had back, neck, shoulder and sciatic pain, eczema

in that order

I spent $800 on treatments for pain in the

first quarter of this year

I just tallied up my receipts and

mailed the claim to our benefits provider

today.  This is going to not happen anymore!

a few weeks ago I realized that I was saying no to

canoeing and horseback riding because I did not want the pain to

come back again.  You see it just kept coming back.  The shoulder pain and

immobilization and my left leg sciatic were always there ready to

attack.  After 3 treatments with the chiropractor for low back adjustments

and previous 6 massages with Sabrina this year I was good as new.  

But it slowly starts to come back a bit a a time.  

I have been horse riding 5 times and went canoeing once in the last 2 weeks and my TMS
is an awareness and the cure is knowledge!

This book 

Healing Back Pain: the mind-body connection by D. John E. Sarno
(look him up)

was discovered by Carol Tuttle who is the genius behind

Dressing Your Truth/Living Your Truth  profiling who I follow

She wrote about healing her own back pain that was very

debilitating and she discovered this book a few months ago

You will not believe it!

I have TMS

Tension Myositis Syndrome (muscle tension syndrome)

You will not believe it or maybe even understand this book.

The subconscious of my brain did repress my anger and anxiety and this unconscious

part of my mind decided that muscle/body pain is better than the unnecessary emotions

  harbouring and it gets repressed.  Well I am in control now and every time my back starts to ache

or my shoulder gets tight I yell at my brain!  I think about what has been making 

me anxious ; it has been a very subtle emotion , so far , and there are several subtle emotions that come up

once I am aware I start ignoring my aches and hurts and laugh at my brain.
  The ache and tightness goes away.

I know you don't understand it.
It is a a good read.

keep it going

I have been looking back at older posts on this website.  Some of the writings of my earlier posts

tend towards bluntness and sometimes directionless.  I am at an insecure phase right now

about writing and painting. 

What I will say today on this post is that

we all have "blocks" and we keep moving forward but

somehow what we say is not really what we are

thinking.  This may not make sense to you.  It is real for me

now and now that I have reached my goal for this move

to happen and I am here I am closed off as what more

to share with you the reader.  

I have to finish what I started.  I started writing a document that is

personal and it is stored in my closet in the art room.  I opened this closet and took down the accordian folder that I saved it in and started to edit; some of

what I documented on this project needs more mature grammar

and the paragraphs are not completely clear information.

Regina skies

I am now able to share this writing with an editor  and it is making my thoughts about

my immature writing more vulnerable for me.  I was told by a woman who has written several

books through Hay House and other publishing companies that her first publisher/editor reviewed her

writing and asked if she finished high school.  She is now still writing and very successful.

Keep editing and writing and stay calm!