like minded

Have you ever wondered why sometimes you work hard to go

out the door to an obligation or to wonder why your health

is failing as you age.  Here are 3 things that impacted me these last 6 months!

Dear Food

I know that I am not your best friend and I am not going to say that you and all your food groups and tastes and texture are hard for me to digest into my stomach.  So let us make a truce .  I love you food and I have a challenge as when I encourage my body to eat more of you than it can handle.
So I am practicing the art of small portions and slow eating, like chewing slowly and pausing after a few bites.  This may sound easy for some but it is a challenge for me.

Then I can appreciate you food and we can get on a more like minded relationship.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Church

I am not feeling any connectedness at my church and I attend once a month.  I took a progressive Christian course for 10 weeks this last fall.  It was hurting my brain, or helping it, I'm not sure which.
Part 2 of this course is on now and I declined to re-join after Christmas.  So this is the first time I am writing something about it.  I can't make a stance (yet) or maybe I just did.

"It is for those who have stopped taking the church seriously at all.  Many people of deep spiritual integrity simply cannot suffer the shallow message of the churches of their birth any longer. They have an intuitive sense that there is more to Christianity than the rigid rules and theological constructs of the past." (Excerpt from Rev. David Felten and Rev. Jeff Procter-Murphy)

I am open-minded about my faith and this must have been what I required to fuel my belief.  Some interesting things came up but it challenged my belief and I liked my faith before I took the class and I did get educated on the bible stories and what they mean in our words today.  It was deep and our Minister said it would bring questions up and it is all about having those questions and not definite answers as the bible is stories written to teach us how to live.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Gym/Team Training

This is my like-minded place.  The trainers and the gym owners are there for ME.  I put in the effort
and they make sure I do my training safely.  Here is  a great post on the trainers.

The people I train with are fun and very much in the same place I am.

This is a great go-to place!

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I am liking the mind of the person who shared and created this!

Do you like this idea?

I woke up thinking

I woke up thinking the work was done

I would not have to practice today

how naive to think healing was that easy

when there is no end point

no finish line to cross

healing is everyday work

- rupi kaur

the sun and her flowers

books + horses in my grief

15 years ago this January I am sharing

more memories of our beloved eldest son,

and a big brother to Tom, this is a small

memoriam blog post.

Graham B. Kirk

April 20, 1985 - Jan 15, 2004

These are old photos  below
and my special times with him and the horses

4 days of trail riding at Cypress Hills (west block)

RESOURCES RESOURCES RESOURCES!

Surprisingly, this is the first book we were gifted early in our grief

and it was excellent!

these books were my best friends and I would not
part with them as they are a memory of healing.

These are links to the healing professionals that assisted me in growing as I learn and

has made me empathic.  Here are some links that were the driving

force to my healing. 

Julia Cameron theartistsway.com

https://brenebrown.com

https://ct.liveyourtruth.com/courses/

https://www.facebook.com/HurtingMoms/?ref=br_rs

----------------------------------

I read these a few years later and they were somewhat helpful but I know

there are many many more books published about grief , but suicide grief, 

if written well are extremely helpful.  

We think about Graham longingly and what we have learned
since 2004 and how healing is a very individual process.
(just make sure you eventually heal as best as you can)

"My dearest Graham we have learned so much and wish we knew then what
we know now".  

looking through

 Any projects, word-of-the-year, goals, etc. are in not in place for me for 2019

I just want my health and enjoy the nature surrounding me!

The area I live in is very scenic.  Lakes and trees are in abundance

and I like that.

Deer Park Golf Course (view from a drive-by)

When I look through a smaller lens or window the perspective is more

focused and things are more calm and clear.

If 2019 is politically tumultuous as 2018 was in the global aspect, then it is

up to me to keep healthy, treat nature as a dear friend and this kind confident

me will make a small difference.  I can't change what is happening with the world

leaders but I can look after my mental health and physical body to make a difference.

Living in fear is not healthy  for me.

Go forward, step with confidence and breath in the God given landscape

I  have!

Happy New Year!

end of January nearing

{Too Much To Carry...Throw Away!}

Guilt, Money, Judgement, Purpose List

1.  I am comfortable being uncomfortable. {past coworker)

2.  Focus does not mean you say YES to all things pertaining to what you want to focus on, it is

saying NO to 1000 ..... distractions BE GONE!  {Steve Jobs/Brene Brown}

3.  I am responsible for my life results and I am trusting that the results other people are 

creating is perfect for them now. {Carol Tuttle}

4.  The missing puzzle piece is Self-Love {Doodlesforchange}

5.  I appreciate money and money appreciates to support me. {Carol Tuttle}

6.  I am not a decorative plant and if I have to step back and be a quieter self to make others

comfortable...well time to move on from that environment. {Sweatpants and Coffee}

7. I am benefiting others when I am living true to my energy profile or nature. (Carol Tuttle)

8.  I must always make myself clear so others know exactly where I am at.  (my life lesson)

9.  Guilt is an opportunity to correct something and to stop feeding the past. The past is always

looking FOR SOME GUILT!

10.  I need to stand for something or I will fall for anything.

January is almost over!

my guilt list

okay

I am going to nip this in the bud

so to speak

The Guilt List

I feel guilty when.....

I don't bake enough

I don't have food prepared

for company in my freezer

When someone vents out loud I think it is my fault or somehow
I screwed up

I read too many books, am I lazy?

I should of hugged my boys more when they were little

Because, I am not much for hugging

When I don't have anything planned for the day, or several days

When I am not making friends

When I use money incorrectly 

When I do not have as much energy as other women seem to

When I cannot patch up the past and have to just live in the present

When my neck gets stiff and I once again have to slow down and relax

....and on and on it will go and it depends on the time of year

The Guilt Resolved List

in my senior retirement years I have resolved this.....

• My self-talk is positive

• My confidence is based on my Guilt List (above) - if no guilt ....I can move forward, plan some fun...et al

• Christmas comes around and I know I love buying a live tree and bringing it home and watching it thaw out to see what shape it will actually be.  Decorations are minimal.  I know once that tree is in the house the guilt about cooking, baking and performing traditional meals is always a work through process for me.  I don't feel guilty anymore because I know what I love that time of year.  Lights!  I speak my mind to my family about what I need this time of year and I know that it is appreciated - "Don't shrink, don't puff up, just stand my sacred ground!

my mother-in-law made a statement to me

many years ago when my boys were toddlers and I was really

not coping well.  She said "Donna, everything will pass in time". Sometimes

I remembered those words and sometimes I didn't.

• 
  

I know there is more guilt that crops up depending on

timely events and things misinterpreted among people

I trust myself and have a purpose in life to

be truthful to my nature and then things do fall into place

with guilt or no guilt.  We cannot get back to the past, even if I try I just can't get there!

Have you ever written down your guilt list?

who are your tribe?

I think we all need our own people

you know, the ones that "get you"

who don't care if you can't always be there

in the right place at the right time

but yet you know they will be when they can

I love direct answers about myself

that will teach me or remind me who I am

not being and who I need to be, at times

{get it}

find your tribe and bounce off them so they can

bounce off you 

not everyone is helpable,

not everyone has to be,

just recognize your people

it is grounding and connecting

{enough said I know you got it)

"I am attracting people into my life who respect and honor me,

and I respect and honor them.

I am grateful for the comfortable interactions I have daily with all the like-minded people who are in my life. " 

Carol Tuttle

stressors out

we have been handling an issue with the purchase of

our home and acreage for the past year

and it has finally been resolved but not without a

poor relationship developed with the vendor

and extra funds $$$ poured out by us we had not planned for.

Once the shock that this money needed to be paid

and several conversations to understand why is now over.

 Over and resolved but still has me wondering what happens to the

emotions and anxiety of working it out with strangers I am still holding

  in my body.   We didn't win but we got our legal rebate $$.

It's like looking through the fence and seeing the other side

then when you are on the other side it just smells

like a dirty hole we were forced to climb through and rulings that was missed by our realtor

and our lawyer.

It is just money, but that line is getting old with me.

"Sunshine in and darkness out"

let's make sense

I am learning to

recognize drama.

I feel intuitive and

am trusting it

I like people.

I wish myself and others well.

I also appreciate myself and others

without feeling sorry for anyone.

So... if I

stand for something I won't  fall for anything.

joy with grief

  sharing my grief just a wee tiny bit here

may not make sense

but I discovered this from

an inspiring woman I follow

she is so sacred and dramatic

her name is Danielle Laporte

here I was, my son was gone...

"I'm aching over this loss, so can this aching gratitude in my core be real? Am I betraying my memories? Am I denying my pain?"

Not at all. You're expanding. says Danielle Laporte

whoa!  this is a definition of how I felt when I was grieving after my son Graham passed on.

It did not  fail that when I went  through the early beginnings of the most heart-breaking passages of my life — losing a son and all dreams dashed — the pain brought me to the floor of my being, and what was there to be found?

The simple joy of being alive. So cosmically basic it's mind-blowing: the joy to be here, connected, animated, breathing, blessed, resilient, to be broken, to be open, to have what was, what's left, what's coming. The joy just to be part of reality.

joy is an inner vibration that is always achingly in the background waiting
for you

an inspiring sculpture speaks to me about my grief

let me explain
the horse is powerful and strong (personal inner power)
the rider is fearless and will face the unknown as he
moves with his personal inner strength

grief is deep
grief is empowering

Chaotic prayer for Nice

Lord

O Heavenly Father

This devastation in Nice, on Bastille Celebrations Day, and

all over the world leaves me so detached.  I want to feel more for this horrible chaos.  What can I do to help? Give me your messages for kindness and to reach the unreachable humans with twisted sickness in their brains their perceptions on life, their life.  Only way I can stop it is to pray?  Sending money helps after the deaths, after the poverty.  This innocent country, so many countries are now reaching my heart, it is starting to glow with love for all of man and woman and child who have fear and hunger in their bodies.  

Give me the words Lord so I can write about my melting heart so I can reach out with impact.

I cannot understand

I am no longer detached

I pray 

In Jesus Name

Amen!

To feel grateful for small things when
World events are clipping at my thoughts of helplessness
Do we just keep being grateful?

a change for my folks

my mom and dad

moved to a new senior's facility

this last week

the downsizing of  their

apartment to this facility required a tremendous

amount of purging of pictures, end tables, 90% of their kitchen equipment,

When the movers came on Friday they were not advised in their agreement

to pack anything.  Just to move the furniture.  My dad panicked

and phoned my brother as at 86 years old that is devastating news.

Mom and Dad had to make very quick decisions on what

to keep and what to take with their treasures on the walls on

shelves, they did not handle that easily and my brother and sister

came over quickly and got the boxes and started to pack everything.

my poor dad thought it was in the agreement to pack up everything.

Moving sucks, and we all think we have gotten rid of stuff and my folks

did do that but not nearly as much

as should of been done

anyhow nothing got packed a head of time and Dad constantly assured us

that the movers were doing it all.  Oh my, it is a good thing that it

did not happen that way and purging was done before they hauled all of it

 into their new suite!

I took the microwave, toaster oven, nesting tables, antique cutlery sterling silverware

set, a quilt, kitchen pottery, soup tureen, eagle antlers, spoon collections, etc

so being officialy moved in

we had tickets 2 days later to take mom to an early

Mother's day tea at the Regina Floral Conservatory

so that is how the the move ended up

and they already seem happy with the new

facility so I hope it continues that way.

Dad is still driving his jeep and he said I sure hope

I will still be driving for a few more years yet!  hmmm maybe?

My Truth Story

My True Story back in July 2010


I lost my eldest son Graham in 2004, tragically.

Six years later my grief from his death found myself sitting in a  small circle with a small group of individuals  that I was growing to appreciate and connect with.  This was my 3rd day with my special people of 5 and we were opening up ourselves in this safe environment once again.   Our facilitator would put forward  a question for each of us to share out loud. At this moment on this particular session saw us turn to each member of our group and share something that we valued about them.  We  only had 2 minutes.  I sat beside an aboriginal man who was a retired RCMP officer and it was his turn to say something about me.

He was a deep thinking man and sharing and communicating personal feelings was especially difficult for him. So when he started with this:  “Donna.” (pause)  “You are brave”. (another pause)   “You are open about your struggles but not in a way that you want anyone to feel sorry for you.  You are not looking for that.  You want to learn and seek and that is bravery. “

Those were  the kindest words anyone had ever said to me and he said it with such integrity and knowingness. I have great interest in the aboriginal culture and was so honoured that he thought that about me. He was always so authentic and full of integrity throughout this seminar.  I admired him and all things he had experienced over his career.

On the seminar break shortly after, he apparently was not done sharing with me,  as we stood around sipping our coffee, he surprised me once again by stating to me   “Donna when was the last time that you laughed.”?

 Hello?  Are we back to me again.  The sharing group session is over, right.?

He continued,  “I mean really laughed deep down from your gut laughter.”?  I replied that I could laugh and share easily.  He quickly clarified,  “what I mean is can you laugh deep down and purely chuckle and have a hearty gut-wrenching laugh?” I was stunned but  he also had my full attention.  First I was impressed that he still seemed to still have this to say to me after the “bravery” crown he put on my head from our small group sharing just mere minutes ago.  I had this person here who was so real and honest and willing to put his arms around another person (me) and recognizing I had to feel freedom of being true and enjoying it.  He must have noticed my bravery had some holding back behind it.

It took all of 5 minutes during that little coffee break to realize that it would be fabulous if I just felt the release of a good whole hearty laugh. It was okay to laugh and enjoy doing it.   I got it!  Oh yes I knew exactly what he was telling me.

 I am forever changed from that moment.  Be authentically joyful and show my truthful heart.

This scripture says it all:

I have hated those who regard useless idols; but I trust in the Lord.  I will be glad and rejoice in your mercy, For you have considered my trouble.

You have known my soul in adversities, and have not shut me up into the hand of the enemy.  You have set my feet in a wide place.

Psalms 31: 6-8

Deservability

The process is individual for each and I have had a personal journey with healing after the year 2004. After the first shocking grief.  The devastating unthinkable happened to our family.  The death of our first-born son and Tom's only sibling brother.

I am now working through the companion book of Louise L. Hay's.  This treatment is my motto these days and I read it out loud while looking at myself in the mirror, as is recommended.

I know this sounds simple.  But to look at myself in the mirror and read this "treatment" out loud is quite a different feeling.

I am one with Life, and all of Life loves and supports me.

I am deserving, I deserve all good.  Not some, not a little bit, but all good.  I now move past all negative restricting thoughts.

I release and let go of the limitations of my parents.

I can love them, and I can go beyond them.  I am not their negative opinions nor their limiting beliefs.  I am not bound by any of the fears of prejudices of the current society I live in.

I no longer identify with limitation of any kind.

In my mind I have total freedom.  I now move into a new space of consciousness where I am willing to see myself differently.  I am willing to create new thoughts about myself and about my life.  My new thinking becomes new experiences.

I now know and affirm that I am at one with the Prospering Power of the Universe.  As such, I now prosper in a number of ways.  The totality of possibilities lies before me.  I deserve a good life.  I deserve an abundance of love.  I deserve good health.  I deserve to live comfortable and to prosper, I deserve joy and happiness. I deserve freedom to be all that I can be.

I deserve more than that.  I deserve all good.

The Universe is more than willing to manifest my new beliefs.  This is the truth of my being, and I accept it as so.

All is well in my world.

Louise L. Hay

You Can Heal Your Life Companion Book

I want my son and husband to read this treatment.

the real world

we spent 2 days with our son

this weekend

he is a 28 year old man

with a disability of a hearing impairment,

who is living with responsibilities

as a landlord for his renters,

maintaining his mobile home,

working full-time

and driving and maintaining his vehicle,

and throwing in some fun whenever he can

Dad and Tom are replacing the boardwalk today

in his yard and doing it in the rainy cold weekend

to boot!  (I hunkered down inside, I got so chilled standing
out there.) 

Tom has been a volunteer for the annual Windscape Kite Festival in Swift Current since he started coming home from college in the

spring, so at least 5 years, He has helped with kite flying and crafts booth.

He had the perfect volunteer duty this summer as

the splatter paint wall coordinator

they featured his picture at the end of the day in the kite festival brochures and advertising

booklet.  

Tom had a car accident over a week ago and his car was undriveable when all was done, neither drivers were hurt in any way so he is

working through the SGI claims and repair process to get his vehicle back and to hopefully

get his driving safety record sorted out.

I recognize young adults, such as my son, who work hard to receive an

income and live to their full potential but who also deal with road blocks that are always a surprise and

stressful.  I want to give a big "hurrah" out to my son and others his age who are figuring things out and making some mistakes but

still stepping forward each day.

Rock on Tom!

not up to me

when people come in to my life and make me

feel like I am supposed to help or save them

I get anxious and negative because I don't want

to fix their problem

I have had this happen twice in the past

and one of these people has popped backed recently and is in a serious relationship

problem right now, I feel bad.  However it is not up to me to fix it

This person has a behaviour issue repeating itself

but it is still not up to me to look after it.

This person is in their early 30's.

I put myself into an unhealthy unbalanced state when this happens.

I am learning to say no and to explain my stand on their problem.

I am very grateful for strong true friendships that I can go to

when I find myself getting wrapped up in this.

I must stand for something, or fall for anything.!

I still wonder

hunting season is coming to a close

do not ever think that I have forgotten my son Graham

as I know that it looks as if I have moved on and I have

but I have learned to keep calm and carry on

a friend told me a few years back that when she lost her son

in a tragic end that her perception of the world she once viewed upon

had tilted and that is the way it is for me

miss and wonder how things would be with Graham

still here and being 29 years old.  What would he be doing

and what would his healing from the adolescent stage after high

school to today have been like?

I guess I always will have that mystery and that chapter to

write and rewrite and I can even have some great stories of

his ups and downs, small joys, funny adventures and keep remembering that

face that shines brightly, just as in this photo below.

{Ty, Morley, Brian and Graham

the hunters back in the day...}

please please

I came across this message tonight as I was browsing

and surfing mindlessly on the internet and

Elizabeth Gilbert (author of Eat Pray Love ) posted this on her page on FB

It's worth putting on my blog
its direct and no nonsense words, thats for sure!
Please Please Please look after yourselves and when the snakes get in
your head and life gets overwhelming and you can't do all and be all and
carry on as if things are OK...get the help you need

here is what Robin Williams' close friend who co-starred with him in the movie "Mrs. Doubtfire" was quoted saying  the day after
his friend's death

Harvey Fierstein said...
"Please, people do not fuck with depression.  It's merciless.  All it wants is to get
you in a room alone and kill you.  Take care of yourself".

I don't often see a quote or statement that gets to the knife of the
disease but this talked to me because I have been there when I was 23 years old and my mother
headed to the doctor with me so
take care of your home planet always!

whats the difference?

So much info to read about suicide now with Robin William's death.   I read what Robin says about depression before he left us and u read now what others who knew him say.   Well I have suicide history in my family and it came upon me 10 years ago.  Graham my eldest son committed suicide and he was 18 years old.    He was seriously depressed but didn't hang on as long as Robin Williams.  Yes he was sensitive and caring and he was loved without us knowing or recognizing his suicidal tendencies. Is it a brain chemical imbalance or does society create the decision eventually?  Medications and internal spirit are my theories on survival of so many I know who keep it going.  Internal personal power?   Are u born with the tendency?   When Graham died I spent the first year trying to understand suicide.  I eventually picked up a book on very recent research about this disease (suicidal and depression are extremely different) and the children they talked about were 4 years old and up who were always thinking of ending it and suicidal.  It was a very difficult read and I don't have the book anymore but it opened my eyes on the matter!

 I was depressed when I was 21 yrs old and took antidepressants for a few months and it worked well for me but my 2 uncles struggled with depression.   So my mom was very diligent at me seeing a doctor.  My one uncle committed suicide and my other uncle struggles heavily with depression still. My 2 cousins who are older than me have recently in the past year committed suicidal deaths.  What is the difference?   Personal inner power or fortitude!   I never had suicidal thoughts when I was depressed.

Graham and Robin are like a pea and a popcorn kernel in a pod. Both reacted from their inner resources and had used up the internal fortitude.  I wished so badly for Graham to fight more and be more open with his struggles but maybe we weren't paying a more thorough enough attention either or his internal power of light was not as strong.

Robin Williams has opened the forum for depression and made it easier for me to write this post.  The suicide of this comedian tells a brief story of his comedic ways and goofiness that helped him through the tumultous adolescent years and possibly before that.  

Tom, my Tom used his magic tricks and performing in front of people to support his depression.  Tom is investigating his mood/depression issues and talking on depression forums.  He admitted a couple of months ago that he was depressed and had been for a very long time.  Tom's internal power is strong and he had got himself through and is 27 years old now.  I can't speak for him as I probably have said enough here and that is for him to process the journey he is on now.

I feel so much freer now in talking about my son Graham here even on this blog.  So thank you Robin for helping me.

if you read this through, thanks for listening!

a search and a find

what to say about the last 2 weeks ?  we travelled all the way to Kelowna BC and down through Washington, Idaho and Montana and back home.  Never bought an acreage but 2 days later we bought a place 9 miles south of Yorkton.

ha ha ....this is not our new purchased home....nice old refurbished hotel in Fort Benton, Montana!

the trip involved long drives through southern BC on #3 west crowsnest highway along the US border.  We spent our time at Grand Forks BC and found a property, 10 acres and set up for horses, kind of an equestrian property with the barn and corrals and training pens, and a refurbished 1970 home that was done up to perfection for me.

The idea of moving that far away was too much for me but we seriously contemplated it.

home sweet home and all the bad weather and  good friends and my family won out.

here are some photos!  I didnt take a load of pictures this time as we seemed to be always in a vehicle driving.

rest stop

 Christina Lake BC

 Christina Lake was so similar to Madge Lake that I felt completely at home here (very pretty lake)

 redneck lunches

 Fort Benton Montana

just missed a hail storm close to Havre MT

here is our new home, this is just the MLS listing photo

I don't have my own photos yet

it comes with 40 acres and is a 1960 home moved onto a new property

and completely redone and the building codes are all up to date with the "final occupancy certificate" 

we are looking forward.....

our son was disappointed that it is not a mature yard with trees fully grown but there is a nice duck pond to the left of the garage the trees around the acreage have all been planted and in 3 or 4 years those trees will be taller.  

so there you have it the acreage search is over!  We have always been pointed in a direction and told what city or area to live in since we have been married because Brian's job moved us around a few times.  It was so challenging to find a place without any restrictions (except financially) and to keep me and him satisfied and wanting to live our good retirement years at.

I didn't think we would find one, but all of a sudden we did!  life is funny that way