a post of grief

This is a sad post

i'm dealing with more pain from neck massages and I will stop going.  I cannot handle the after headache that is now lasting for days.  I am wondering if it has things to do with pain in my life or actually simple little events or statements that have hurt me so profoundly that it all went into my neck.  I have had a couple of car accidents and I lost my eldest son to suicide 14 and a half years ago.

Actually just 2 days ago my husband and I were at our son's gravesite which is in a small rural cemetery and it is not maintained or manicured like the city cemeteries.  We placed him in this little cemetery because it is close to where we lived at our acreage at that time; and he loved the country.  Henceforth, I watch as my husband pulls out the lawn mower from the back of the half ton and he starts cutting all the tall grass that has grown around the headstone.  He had to cut around and around and in front of the headstone several times.  Each time the mower showed more and more of the overgrown weed covered headstone I felt such peace and overwhelm and I cried silent tears and my husband kept mowing until the plot looked neat and freshly mowed once again.  How does one do this?  How do we do it?  LOVE and we just keep on loving our son, whose name is Graham.  It's the only way we have kept on and we are very accountable for what happened and believe in ourselves as parents too.  We sucked at parenting, or so we thought, but I am rethinking that.  We are just very unfortunate parents and it is hard luck.  I know so many who still struggle with ending their life.  Our son, Graham was just not putting up with his feelings anymore.  How can I explain what happened. I closed the cemetery gate and Brian loaded up the mower.  My husband said "any last words before we drive away?" I said matter of factly that "It's just too late I can't do anything about this situation.  There is nothing to say."

Here is an amazing animated video on "refuge in grief" if you want to understand grief.  I thought this was good. 

 Oh and my neck is much better and the headache is gone, by the way.